COMPUTER VIRUS


An  Original Screenplay

By

Bob Curry



Bob Curry N6554 Irving Pl Hartland, WI 53029 (414)538-2462 email:
bcurry@worldnet.att.net



copyright 1995 and 1996 by Bob Curry

FADE IN:

EXT. HUGE EXHIBIT HALL. MORNING.

Music begins, slowly building as OPENING CREDITS roll. EXT. STREET IN
FRONT OF LARGE EXHIBIT HALL. MORNING. The outside of this huge exhibit
hall in Washington D.C. In the distance you see the buildings of DC,
focusing on the US Capital.

ANGLE ON: The camera pans the distance, showing a beautilful
Washington morning.

ANGLE ON: A bustling Capital with people bustling about. A shadow
begins to creap over the building, a gigantic space ship appears with
the words "InterNet". (Independance Day music builds) Laser weapons
strike the hall, everyone outside changes from good looking yuppies to
ugly nerds with glasses and pimples.

ANGLE ON:

Various office buildings where Internet space ships appear, zapping
people into nerds. Music building.

ANGLE ON:

The shadow begins to loom over the hall. We see a space ship float
down near the enterance, a door opens lowering to the street, booze
bottles fall out and bounces on street. (You hear load Metalica music
playing inside)

ANGLE ON:


A well built man in his late thirties is walking down the ramp,
shaving himself with a small laser device. He turns around throwing it
to a couple of aliens holding beer bottles.

LYLE (gently rubbing his face) Hey guys, thanks for the shavee. And
Cindy Crawfords place..? Take left at St. Louis, and use the valet
parking at Spagoes.

LYLE gets off the ramp, the aliens wave good bye, slam the door shut
and rockets off like a drunk driver. THOUSANDS OF NERDS are running to
doors of hall, quickly entering, not paying attention to the
spaceships.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE standing in street looking at a huge banner over hall doors
reading "World's Largest Computer Show"

LYLE Damn, first day on the job and I'm late!

LYLE begins to straighten out his rumpled clothing, his suit an
obvious victim of a drunken night on the town. LYLE power walks to the
doors of the Expo Hall as he brushes the dirt off his suit, buttons
his shirt, and pulls his tie tight.

CUT TO:

INT. HUGE EXPO HALL. DAY

It is the opening hour of the largest annual computer show in the
world. The camera sweeps over the huge exhibit hall that displays the
latest technology from every known and unknown computer company in
existence. We follow LYLE hurrying through crowds of BUSINESS MEN and
WOMEN to get to his booth. Flags of major competitors (i.e. Microsoft,
Netscape, Lotus, IBM, etc) begin to flow in the wind. Music building.
(Top Gun type)


ANGLE ON:

We go to the booths where we see the "FLIGHT MECHANICS" in one piece
camouflaged jump suits, patches of Air Force & Navy units cover the
suits. They are working over open computer boxes, sounds of jet
engines roaring, being tuned. Music continues to build. ("Top Gun"
type music)

ANGLE ON:

NERD PILOTS in one piece jump suits with emblems of various Air Force
& Navy units shown, wave to the crowd, who roars with approval.

The computers of all types, painted with various fighter choppers and
fighters on, are rolled on a runway appearing in the middle of the
exhibit hall. Music is now at high pitch. The NERD PILOTS put on nomax
headgear and gloves, and slip on their pilot helmet.

The computers and pilots are lined up on the runway.

ANNOUNCER Start your engines please.

We watch the NERD PILOTS flip the ON switch on their computers, a
large beep is heard, the screens light up. Crowd goes crazy.

ANNOUNCER And their off...

ANGLE ON:

The crowd cheering and yelling. The hall is packed.

ANGLE ON:

Close shots of pilots pushing their joystick forward, engines roaring.

ANGLE ON:

Their computer screens show actual pictures of planes flying down a
runway, leaping into the air.

ANGLE ON:

Close-up of NERD shifting pushing his/her joystick to the wall.


ANGLE ON:

NERD PILOTs pressing their joystick buttons firing at screen images of
other planes racing through valleys. Several planes explode, sending
his/her computer spinning and smoking into the exhibit hall. Crowd
goes crazy.

NEW ANGLE:

In the "air" we see pilots mid air refueling at a flying "gas
station/weapons center", the pilots get water squirted down their
throats while a CREW CHIEF washes screen on computer with squeegee,
while ANOTHER CHIEF jacks up computer and changes diskettes. Then the
Pilot's off and flying.


ANGLE ON:

There are only three planes left, the Microsoft jet, the IBM jet, and
the Netscape gunship helicopter.

ANNOUNCER That's all ladies and gentlemen, let's give a hand to the
industry leaders.

ANGLE ON:

The Netscape gunship helicopter.

COPTER PILOT Shit, I almost had him....

CO-PILOT Which One .... CUT TO:


A booth filled with NUNS in habit, standing next to a sign which
reads:

"InterNet God at http//www.god.com."

ANGLE ON:

People sitting in a booth when a popular singer announces how for 9.99
an hour she was able to talk to god's disciples over the Internet and
find out if she should date, make an investment, etc.

A small St. Christopher statue is glued to the center of each Computer
Display, looking into the screen, a PRIEST is sprinkling holy water on
PASSERSBY.

CUT TO: Another computer booth with WOMEN IN BIKINIS welcoming
VISITORS to their booth. The WOMEN have beauty queen sashes on them
that say "User Friendly", "Browse Me!", "Virus Free!"

CUT TO: An old west wagon with horses still attached is sitting in the
middle of an exhibitor booth. MEN, WOMEN, and CHILDREN are gathered
around a FRONTIER SALESMAN with a long shaggy beard, soiled top hat
and tails, exposing the virtues of his cure for all the ails of
mankind, "ELIXIR COMPUTERS."

CUT TO: A new company "Talk to Me Computer Systems" has a MIME
"talking" to a computer screen. Shortly after, words appear on the
screen.

ANGLE ON:

Hidden off to the side LYLE spots an ENGINEER busily keying the words
onto the screen. LYLE grins wickedly, appreciating the scam.

CUT TO: A computer is attached to a large, V-8 engine which is
belching exhaust at a booth boasting. The computer has 9 stacked wine
glasses on top, not even shaking.

"Fastest Internet Service, V-8 Powered".

ANGLE ON:

LYLE's POV reveals a well equipped and extravagantly furnished booth.
Ferns abound on deep plush carpet. A large chrome sign reads "Premier
Medical Systems".

ANGLE ON: A second sign reads simply: "P.M.S. Computers".

LYLE shakes his head as he watches a WELL DRESSED SALESWOMAN at the
first computer waiting for a CUSTOMER. The second station has a
SALESWOMAN engaged in a conversation with several EXECUTIVES. Several
feet away a THIRD SALESMAN is demonstrating a computer to several
NURSES. Further right, is the FOURTH SALES REP, a disheveled MAN, who
is haranguing a CUSTOMER.

FOURTH SALESMAN (waving arms) So what, once a month the computer gets
bloated. Your system gets irrational. Is it my fault?

LYLE smoothes his hair one last time, checks his tie, and approaches
the FOURTH SALESWOMAN as his CUSTOMER hurries away.

LYLE Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr.. Woody Prather?

FOURTH SALESMAN(snarling) What do I look like, directory assistance.
...

ANGLE ON:

LYLE recoils and rolls his eyes in his head. The FOURTH SALESMAN
realizes what he has done and his tone changes.

FOURTH SALESMAN(cont) I'm sorry, ever since I started with P.M.S.,
I've acted irrationally. Mr. Prather should be at the registration
desk.

LYLE Thank you . . .?

FOURTH SALESMAN(voice cracking) Thank you? Is that all I get? A little
respect, understanding, is that too much?

LYLE shakes his head and hurries away.

CUT TO:


INT. REGISTRATION DESK. SHOW. DAY.

LYLE standing at the desk, receptionist with long blond hair with back
turned.

LYLE Ms, excuse me.

The RECEPTIONIST turns. It is a GAY MALE. LYLE tries to hide his
surprise.

LYLE Hello? I'm looking for Mr.. Prather.

RECEPTIONIST Can I ask who's calling?

LYLE Yes, Lyle Bryson.

RECEPTIONIST Oh, he's been waiting for you. Your the new sales rep,
right? I'll get him.

The RECEPTIONIST leaves to get PRATHER, as LYLE stares after him
attempting to figure this all out.

ANGLE ON:

The RECEPTIONIST returns with a tall, lean bespectacled BLACK MAN. He
is WOODY PRATHER, one of P.M.S.'s leading salesmen.

WOODY Lyle, I'm Woody Prather. The pres asked me to show you around.
Have you met Todd?

LYLE motions to the RECEPTIONIST.

LYLE Well, sort of.

The RECEPTIONIST stands up and offers his hand to LYLE.

RECEPTIONIST Mr.. Bryson, I'm Todd Fellows, it certainly is a pleasure
to meet you.

LYLE takes TODD'S limp hand and attempts to shake it. TODD gives LYLE
the once over.

WOODY(bored) Todd, I'm sure Lyle is straight.

TODD'S expression changes from excitement to disappointment. He weakly
pulls his hand back.

TODD I'm certainly sorry about that too.

LYLE Pleased to meet you.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY leads LYLE by the arm back into the melee. LYLE looks back over
his shoulder and speaks to TODD.

LYLE But I do     love what you've done to your hair.

TODD (now smiling) Oh, why thank you. I'll be watching for you.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE'S buns, from TODD's POV as they disappear into the crowd..

CUT TO: INT. SHOW BOOTH. DAY.

WOODY and LYLE are standing on the edge of their booth overlooking
various sales people at work.

WOODY I guess you probably know you've joined the hottest company in
the industry?

LYLE Yeah, but I've been with a lot of hot companies over the last
eight years. I'm hoping this one will be my last.

WOODY Well the dead and dying are our bread and butter. The medical
market doesn't shrink. Now we want to bring our new software          
       line right into the human body. Got to keep growing, keep

the stockholders happy!

LYLE But that means..

ANGLE ON:

LYLE AND WOODY look across the aisle at a large booth manned by MEN
and WOMEN in three piece suits, dark sunglasses, and blond beatle
mopped hair. WOODY You got it, you'll be going up against A.S.S.

ANOTHER ANGLE :

From LYLE's POV the camera pans the competitors sign as he and WOODY
walk toward it. It reads:

"Aten-hut Systems Software. " A.S.S.

LYLE and WOODY have now walked to the far side of A.S.S.'s booth,
watching several CIA type SALESPEOPLE in dark glasses demonstrating a
computer to a group of DOCTORS. The A.S.S. booth contains austere,
straight rows of computers with gray and green furnishings on
camouflage carpet.

WOODY Look over there, see the short man

with the binoculars?

ANGLE ON:

G. GORDON GATES, the President of A.S.S. watching his employees with
binoculars. He's dressed in a green henley shirt with ASS embroidered
on it, docker pants, the pants tucked crisply into  spit shined
military boots while rapping a riding crop against his pant leg.

LYLE Is that....

WOODY You got it, the feared G. Gordon                Gates. He runs
his company with an iron fist. I'm told he went to Harvard, dropped
out, then spent time in the Marines, a bit with the CIA, then ran some
covert deals for Nixon. He retired from public service and formed
A.S.S.

LYLE Are the rumors true that several of his competitors showed up
dead? Others disappeared?

WOODY Employees too. Numerous engineers who blew product deadlines,
sales reps who blew important deals.

LYLE Great, I knew this industry could

kill me. But violently?



ANGLE ON:

GATES puts down his glasses and heads over to the CUSTOMERS being
shown the computer. LYLE and WOODY loiter nearby. GATES is introduced
to the CUSTOMERS by his bowing SALESPEOPLE.

LYLE Let's get a little closer.

WOODY I'm not sure we should do that.

LYLE (grinning) Know thy enemy. I want to see him in action.

LYLE and the reluctant WOODY move closer, blending into the back of
the group of doctors.

FIRST A.S.S. SALESMAN And now Doctors, we'll print out the results of
the patients tests.

ANGLE ON:

The computer printer begins printing but then stops noisily. It has
run out of paper before finishing the report.

ANGLE ON:

The FIRST A.S.S. SALESMAN looks as if he'd be quite happy if the earth
swallowed him. GATES directs a withering glare at the SALESMAN and
then turns back to the recalcitrant printer.

ANOTHER ANGLE:

GATES sticks his hand in printer, the printer striking his hands
repeatedly. GATES pulls his hand out and lets the DOCTORS read the
results off his hand.

DOCTOR #1 (applauding) Bravo, bravo. I guess that answers any
questions about customer support.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE(awed) The man's not human.

As LYLE and WOODY walk through the A.S.S. booth to return to theirs,
LYLE sees a set of papers listing A.S.S. customers. He quickly picks
it up, attempting to hide it in his coat. A hand reaches into frame
and seizes LYLE by the shoulder.

GATES (from behind) Soldier, identify yourself!

LYLE and Woody freeze, then turn around to face an intense GATES.

LYLE Lyle Bryson, he's Woody Prather. Just taking a short cut sir.


GATES With those papers in your coat.

LYLE These? Now where did they come from?

GATES yanks the papers from LYLE

GATES Where you soldiers from, P.M.S.?

WOODY Ah, yes sir.

GATES Nice try. I admire initiative. You know, with some training you
could       be good soldiers. I mean salesmen. Remember, we're always
looking for a few good people.

GATES salutes, spins around and disappears. LYLE and WOODY shake their
heads and return to their booth.

CUT TO:

INT. P.M.S. SHOW BOOTH. LATE AFTERNOON.

WOODY is finishing showing LYLE something on the computer screen.

WOODY (looks at his watch) Oh great, it's four thirty.

LYLE Happy hour?

WOODY Nah, the big news conference,.. come on...

LYLE puzzled, follows WOODY.

LYLE (mumbles) Yeah, that was right up there on the list.

WOODY walks twenty feet to an area where a group of THIRTY NEWS PEOPLE
are gathered, talking in small groups, waiting around a small stage
for the presentation to begin. MONICA SIMPLEY and a BUSINESS WOMAN
step up to the podium and the crowd becomes quiet.

SIMPLEY Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This announcement
will, I'm sure astound the medical community, Wallstreet, and the
world. I would like to introduce the Surgeon General of the United
States, Ms. Jane Tuttwhiler.

SIMPLEY, steps back as TUTTWHILER takes the podium, off to the side we
see a disturbed GATES with a crisply dressed women known as COLONEL
SUMNER, in a gray business outfit, the same blond mop hair, and dark
glasses intently watching. GATES is pointing to SIMPLEY and mumbling
something to SUMNER.

TUTTWHILER Good afternoon, I am sure you are aware of the recent heart
irregularities that has plagued the President recently. I assure you
she is in excellent health.But with today's technology exploding, we
recently tested two software implants from two industry leaders, PMS
and the industry giant,ASS. This software, implanted in the           
     President will monitor and control all the Presidents vital
signs, and provide us with immediate data to insure her health and
well           being. After exhaustive tests, we today are      
awarding the contract to PMS.

The crowd goes crazy with the news that will rock the industry.
Reporters are on their cellular phones, everyone is talking at once to
anyone who will listen about this earth shaking announcement.
TUTTWHILER waves at them to quiet the group.

TUTTWHILER As I started to say, we are excited about the PMS product,
especially its ability to control the Presidents heart rate by issuing
small commands using the central nervous system. He'll be connected
where ever he goes by the Internet. I'd like to turn this over to Ms.
Simpley, Vice President of PMS.


SIMPLEY Thank you. We are indeed proud to be a part of this momentous
occasion. As people       know, we have been part of the Internet
frontier. This technology is based on the revolutionary technology we
used in our run away best-selling "Run Grandma Over with the Car"
game.

Reporters begin to fire off questions.

SIMPLEY (continuing) Any questions will be Director of Development,
Ms. Carrie Breeder.

CARRIE talks the podium, begins answering questions from the press.
SIMPLEY and TUTWHILER walk offstage. CARRIE BREEDER, who is dressed in
a tailored, red business suit. She is in her mid-to-late twenties and
incredibly beautiful even with her hair tied in a tight bun. LYLE is
instantly in love.

WOODY (pointing at CARRIE) That's Carrie Breeder. She's been with
P.M.S. for three years, has been instrumental in our spectacular
growth since we started in a garage. LYLE (staring at CARRIE) God, I
betcha' she's good.

WOODY No shit, she's turned our               products into winners.

LYLE No, I mean good, . . .good.

WOODY Who . . Carrie? She's got no time for men. Wants to head the
company within three years.

LYLE She never goes out, dates?

WOODY Rarely. She'll occasionally catch a drink with the guys, but
it's politics.       Of course TWIT keeps his eye on her.

LYLE TWIT ?

WOODY The founder . . .you know. Fortune named him the best twelve
year old industry executive in the US.

LYLE I know, I mean, does he have a thing for Carrie?

WOODY You'll meet him, he's only in love with the Internet. But when
he needs a female association for

dinners or the media, it's Carrie.



WOODY (walking away) Remember, you've never heard any a' this from me.

LYLE and WOODY start to walk away, LYLE'S eye's are fixed on CARRIE
finishing up her presentation, not watching where he's going.

NEW ANGLE:

"BAM". LYLE walks into SISTER TERRENCE, the sixty year old tough
administrator of a hospital group PMS has been trying to. She is known
as SISTER TERROR to the SALESPEOPLE she eats for breakfast.

LYLE (picking up her binder & purse) I'm sorry ma'am. Should have
watched where I was going. But if either one of us had been hurt at
least we'd be close enough to go to one of you fine hospitals.


SISTER TERRENCE  smiles at the obvious flattery. She straightens her
suit out, opens her binder and pull's out a business card. Just then
the President of P.M.S. (TWIT)appears behind WOODY's shoulder.

SISTER TERRENCE Young man, I'm a busy executive. I like your style. We
were ready to buy a system from A.S.S., but you got one more shot. Be
there Tuesday. Two p.m. Sharp.

LYLE (stammering) Yes ma'am, we'll be there.

SISTER (walking away) And watch where you're walking...

LYLE (muttering looking at                            card) Yes
ma'am...I'll watch it next time...

TWIT walks up.

TWIT Woody, is this our new man, Bronco?

WOODY Bryson sir. Just started today.

TWIT First day       on the job and you get an appointment with Sister
Terror. We've been trying to get in to see her for three years now.
She heads the largest hospital

chain in the country. Fifty seven of them. Nice job.

LYLE (stumbling) Yes, ah, nice to meet you sir.

TWIT turns to leave.

TWIT (to WOODY) Impressive indeed, bring him around to the club
tonight.

TWIT, walks off. CARRIE had finished her demonstration and had walked
up and been listening to the conversation. She walks up next to WOODY.

ANGLE ON:

A fuming CARRIE approaches WOODY, dripping menace.

CARRIE Truly impressive, I work my

balls off       for two years and she decides to hand her card to this
turd. Who is he anyway?

LYLE is speechless, looking as if she had kicked him in HIS balls.

WOODY This "turd" is Lyle Bryson. He's our new salesman. Started
today.

LYLE holds out his hand to shake hand with CARRIE.

LYLE I can explain that...

CARRIE (cuts him off) Mr.. Bryson, do you like hospital food? I ask
because the last man tried to steal my account I castrated.

LYLE Sorry, I never much liked the soprano parts. ANGLE ON:

CARRIE stares at LYLE for a long beat and then walks away. LYLE calls
after her. LYLE Nice meeting you there Carrie.

WOODY See what I mean?

LYLE (smiling) God, she's even more beautiful then I thought. I love a
gal with balls.

WOODY You don't watch out, she'll have yours hanging from her rear
view mirror.

CUT TO: INT. P.M.S. BOOTH. LATE AFTERNOON.

The booth clock reads five o'clock. WOODY nudges LYLE who's trying to
stay awake leaning against a wall.

WOODY Why don't we begin to make our way over to "Chips and Dips".

LYLE I'm with you buddy. What in the hell is the Chips and Dips?

WOODY and LYLE are walking down the aisle of the huge hall on their
way outside.

WOODY We're on our way to the watering hole of the sanctimonious elite
of the computer industry. You know, imported beer, ferns, brass, and
lots of ass.

LYLE Where have I been all my life?

As WOODY and LYLE walk past the booth with the MIME talking to the
computer. LYLE puts out his hand and stops WOODY.

LYLE Interested in some software with loads of potential?

WOODY Did you see the price? two grand could buy me a hell of a
stereo. I'll pass.

LYLE I think we can achieve a discount, follow me.

WOODY follows LYLE as he walks around the corner from the MIME and
looks into a small booth with the door ajar. An ENGINEER is typing in
prompts for the MIME.

LYLE (pushing door open) Excuse me.

He opens his wallet and flashes a frequent flyer card at the surprised
ENGINEER. LYLE I'm Abott,this is Costello. We're from the Food and
Drug Admin      istration.

The puzzled ENGINEER is staring at them with no idea what they said.
Outside the booth the MIME is going crazy as his words are not being
fed to his computer.

ENGINEER What? The Government? What does the Food & ...

LYLE (interrupting) You" feed" the computer information, data,
correct?

ENGINEER Yeah...but.

LYLE Have you submitted a copy for approval?

ENGINEER Well,...no.

LYLE Look, give us a copy now and we won't shut you down. But the
mime. has to go. I hate mimes.

The ENGINEER shuffles through a maze of junk on his desk, quickly
handing LYLE a diskette. LYLE stuffs it in his pocket, they both
leave.

ANGLE ON:

The MIME who's now beating and swearing at the computer display
drawing his biggest crowd of the day.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

LYLE and WOODY are walking down a busy downtown street on their way to
the bar as they approach an alleyway. Out of it emerges a ragged
street person pushing a shopping cart loaded with old keyboards, disk
drives, etc.


LYLE (pinching nose) Je.e.sus Christ, what's that smell?

STREET PERSON (to Woody) Hey buddy,..got any spare software on you?

WOODY starts to check his pockets. LYLE is trying to get upwind,
checks out his shopping cart. WOODY pulls a diskette out of his pocket
labeled MAD DOG 1.2 MD.

WOODY All I got is this net browser..

STREET PERSON(snatches disk) I'll take it.

STREET PERSON shuffles off.

LYLE (to WOODY) Who in the hell was that?

WOODY Dan "the hut" Joba, he was a partner with Gates last year, until
he lost it. All is does is mumble things about Nixon coming back, the
worlds ending, ...you know, crazy shit. CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF BAR. NIGHT.

LYLE shakes his head as they walk several steps to the front of a bar.
Camera shows the sign "CHIPS and DIPS" with a picture of computer
chips and one of a frazzled yuppie man and woman obviously in need of
a drink or two. As they are about to enter, a black limo with the
license plate TWIT 2 pulls up. Out the back door exits TWIT and MONICA
SIMPLEY. MONICA is TWIT's Vice President, and well respected as his
senior vice president. LYLE has pulled open the door of the bar as
TWIT and MONICA whisk past, TWIT not recognizing him.

CUT TO: INT. CHIPS & DIPS BAR. NIGHT.

The camera pans around a bar furnished in oak, brass, expensive
furnishings, and yes, lots of ferns. The bar is noisy and crowded with
numerous enclaves of YUPPIES and BUSINESS PEOPLE. It's a yuppie
version of the bar scene in "Star Wars." Each small group is talking
in their own "techi language".

ANGLE ON:

In a series of flashing images LYLE imagines they are ALIENS. LYLE 
flashes back and forth, briefly, between reality and the alien
life-forms. WOODY (yelling over crowd) They're back here.

LYLE pops back to reality and follows WOODY to a back table, passing
an area with a "Singing Machine" where otherwise stuffy BUSINESS FOLK
sing to background music as if they were Elvis. They get to a stand up
table were numerous P.M.S.' staffers, are drinking and talking. At the
next table is standing TWIT and MONICA. Introductions are made, drinks
served. LYLE is devouring a Leinenkugal beer, WOODY opting for a
Heineken.

LYLE Woody, what does the TWIT 2 stand for on the limo plate?

WOODY Tyrone Welsch Iglasis Thurrow the second. I'll tell you, in my
old neighborhood they would have turned him out before he was ten with
a name like       Tyrone on that body.

LYLE The second. So his father was a TWIT?

WOODY No, his father is a T.I.T.

LYLE is puzzled.

WOODY Our man TWIT got drunk on spring break one year and married a
Calypso dancer named Welsch.

LYLE Rachael Welsch?

WOODY No Rhonda Welsch. She was a huge woman, forced him to take her
name. After the divorce, he decided to keep the name. Felt it made him
more continental. LYLE Christ! WOODY Hey the TWIT with the money makes
the rules. Daddy bought him P.M.S. when he graduated from Harvard at
ten.

LYLE Why in the hell are you working here?

WOODY Two years ago the industry buzz word was Computer Integration.
TWIT thought they meant it was time to hire minorities. He also heard
integration was expensive, with the salary he gave me, I can't afford
to       leave,...what brings you here?

LYLE I used to be excited with these jobs. But one year the company's
going balls out. The next year it's down the shitter. This pays the
rent till I grow up and decide what to do with my life.

WOODY What's the odds on favorite?

LYLE A home study course in re-drilling bowling balls.

LYLE excuses himself to the rest room.

CUT TO:

INT. MEN'S REST ROOM. BAR.NIGHT.

LYLE enters the rest room, the MIME from the show is talking to
himself in the mirror.

LYLE First I find out about Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Now this, I'm
crushed. You can talk!!!


The MIME is embarrassed, mumbles to himself as he washes the white
markup off his face. LYLE walks up to the urinal, unzips his pants and
begins relieving himself. He is looking in the mirror over the urinal
watching the MINE, who is talking with himself, removing the white
make up and then appearing two urinals down looks incredibly close to
VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAIL.

LYLE (Mumbles to self) Holly shit, Dan Quail

LYLE then notices a SECRET SERVICE type agent peering down from inside
a stall (obviously standing on a toliet), dark glasses on, wire going
to his ear. The door busts open and G. GORDON GATES briskly marches
pass QUAIL, laying an envelope down on the sink next to QUAIL.


GATES Dan...

QUAIL GATES

GATES marches to the urinal. beside LYLE, throws down a shoulder bag
and unzips his pants. QUAIL picks up the envelope.

GATES (to his dick) A-TEN-HUT !

LYLE looks right at GATES. GATES ignores him, staring straight ahead.

GATES (to his dick) Fire when ready!

LYLE zips up and quickly leaves the rest room alone to GATES.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR. NIGHT.

LYLE returns to table.

LYLE (to WOODY) Hey, I saw the old Vice President... Quail, you
know...golf, not a whole lot       going on,in the mens room...

WOODY stares at him disbelieving.

LYLE (continues) Yah, he was the mime, but it was Quail when he washed
off the makeup.

WOODY I've never drank Lineys, and now I know why.


LYLE No...really...Well, I think I know where Gates got the
inspiration for             Aten-Hut Systems Software...

ANGLE ON:

WOODY shakes his head as TWIT and MONICA approach the table, making
their rounds; TWIT speaking to the employees in the nebulous nothings
blue bloods say to the flatter the heathens that live west of the
Charles River.

TWIT (cutting off LYLE) Well, glad to see you two could make it.

LYLE Pleasure to meet you again sir.

TWIT We all need to do this once in a while, right Woody?

WOODY We do? TWIT We need to bond, to become blood brothers,       or
is it Blues Brothers. Woody you're a brother, help me out here.

WOODY Ah,...

ANGLE ON: At that point CARRIE has just arrived at the next table
getting TWIT's full attention as he stumbles off toward her. MONICA
staying at the table.

TWIT (walking away) CARRIEs...baby,...where's you been?

WOODY That's an example of when you gray people have too much
inbreeding.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE's eyes as he motioned to WOODY that MONICA, TWIT's right hand is
there.

WOODY Oh, Monica..., don't worry. Monica's fine....

Suddenly MONICA appears:

WOODY Oh, I'm sorry, Monica, this is Lyle Bryson, our new sales rep.


MONICA holds her hand out shaking LYLE'S.

MONICA Nice to meet you Lyle. And don't worry about TWIT, he's
harmless. not a bad sort for a twelve year Harvard man with no common
sense who's daddy bought him the company.

LYLE has a look that a Vice President shouldn't be saying these
things.

MONICA (cont) But we all take care of him here, right Woody?

WOODY nods his head in agreement.

WOODY We all make a good living, have some fun and keep TWIT from
stumbling over his ...

LYLE Hey, I may like it here.

ANGLE ON:

MONICA's POV of TWIT slobbering over CARRIE at bar.

MONICA Excuse me guys, I got to put some water on TWIT before we lose
our top technical talent.

MONICA leaves the table.

WOODY She's a hell of a lady. We're lucky we got her to run this
place.

LYLE Yeah, impressive indeed. Which reminds me of another impressive
lady I met earlier.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR AREA WITH SINGING MACHINE. NIGHT.

LYLE and WOODY and their table group watch the drunks proceeding to
make fools of themselves singing at the singing machine. LYLE stares
over at bar, looking at CARRIE who's peering off into the bar smoke
while TWIT talks to MONICA.

LYLE (to Woody)

What do you think it would take to get close to her?

WOODY Her who? Her, Carrie? An ice pick maybe.

LYLE looks at the singing machine, then whispers something into
WOODY'S ear.

WOODY Don't press it. You already pissed her off once today.

The beers continue to be served as LYLE talks to a number of the other
by now drunk sales reps. CARRIE is now totally bored as MONICA is
attempting to reason with TWIT.

LYLE (patting Woody) Wish me luck.

LYLE and THREE DRUNK SALES REPS, in rumpled oxford shirts and now limp
power ties, jump up on the little stage while LYLE tells the lady what
song he wants. The song "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC" comes on, as LYLE
raps and sings to it. The THREE DRUNK SALES REPS try to dance in
unison behind him.

ANGLE ON:

Midway through the song, LYLE jumps off stage and raps and sings his
way up to CARRIE. What he lacks in voice he makes up for in
athleticism and enthusiasm. WOODY is hiding his head, peeking out to
watch LYLE as the PATRONS cheers him on.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE finishes singing, on his knees, next to CARRIE. TWIT turns away
from the mystery lady and faces LYLE. The Bar fall silent.

TWIT (slurring) Bronco, your behavior is question- able. Someone with
P.M.S. does not sing in bars.

TWIT turns around looking for his drink. Talk in the bar resumes.

CARRIE (smiling) Way to go       Bryson. Now Mr. Thurrow and Monica
think you an ass too.


LYLE stands there as MONICA whispers something to TWIT, she picks up
her purse and walks off to the woman's room. WOODY walks over to LYLE,
CARRIE, and TWIT.

CARRIE (to Woody) Got to leave, early meeting tomorrow. Make sure you
get Elvis home.

WOODY(To CARRIE) Night Carrie

CUT TO:

INT. WOMAN'S BATH ROOM. NIGHT.

MONICA walks into the woman's room and is jumped by TWO A.S.S. WOMEN
in three piece suits, and blond beatle cuts. They put a wetish cloth
in her face, she passes out. WOMAN 1 picks up small radio.

WOMAN 1 (on radio) We got the package, time to take TWIT home.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE and WOODY at bar, TWITs face down in his drink.

LYLE Hey, I think I broke the ice with her. How did we do?

WOODY Career wise? A goose egg. At the Apollo they give you a handicap

score for being white, but you'd still have gotten the hook.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE'S POV as he sees the men's room door open, and MONICA steps walks
up to the bar, carrying the small bag GATES had earlier thrown down
next to LYLE at the urinal. She pulls TWIT off the bar and walks him
to door, quickly turning as she exits.

MONICA Good night troops.

WOODY (puzzled) Troops?

MONICA is out the door with TWIT.

LYLE I'm not sure, but does MONICA have a habit of using the mens
room. I just saw her...

WOODY Let's go Elvis, it's been a long day.


CUT TO:


EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIPS & DIPS. NIGHT

WOODY & LYLE walk out of bar and past alley where a TWIT's darken limo
and an ASS car (police looking).

NEW ANGLE:


In the dark alley, the FAKE MONICA pushes a drunk TWIT into Limo, then
walks over to ASS car, where a bond and gagged MONICA is in back seat.
TWO FEMALE ASS AGENTS are standing by car.

AGENT 1 We'll take her straight to the lab. The Doctor is waiting.

FAKE MONICA Make sure he knows he's got forty eight hours to break
her. We need the security code to the Presidents operating system.

The TWO AGENT's nod, everyone hops into cars and speeds off into the
night.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS. MORNING.

LYLE is driving his green, slightly tattered MG with top down, radio
blaring on a warm morning in Washington D.C.

RADIO And the news summary from WKLY on a sunny D.C. morning. Two
morning commuter trains collide, a computer switch is blamed. NASA
this morning blamed poorly designed software for the inadvertent
dumping of human waste over a school playground in suburban Silver
Spring.

As he pumps down massive amounts of coffee he passes a huge billboard
advertising P.M.S. computers that has a large computer on it.

RADIO (cont) And, in business news, D.C. based PMS Computer beat was
chosen by the US Surgeon General to implant new software in the
President that monitors and controls his vital signs.

Pulls into parking lot at the Impressive headquarters of P.M.S..

CUT TO:

INT. RECEPTION AREA. MORNING.

LYLE walks into the massive and impressive reception area of P.M.S.
The room smells of money, too much. Behind a huge mahogany reception
desk sits TODD Fellows.

TODD Good morning Mr.. Bryson. It's certainly nice to see you again.

LYLE Good morning Todd. Oh, and call me Lyle. Nice touch with the
earrings.

TODD(tweaking an earring) Oh, thank you Lyle. Let me call Debra.
Woody's busy today, so Debra will show you around.

TODD (on phone) Debra, Mr.. Bryson is here...sure... Yes dear, and the
man looks like he needs coffee.

TODD (giggling) Mr.. Bry...I mean Lyle, have a seat. Debra will be
right out.

TODD answers a phone call while LYLE looks around at the expensive art
work on the walls. Its expensive high tech. The large doors open, and
a small, CUTE WOMAN enters with a cup of coffee for LYLE. LYLE is
walking up to desk as he overhears.

DEBRA (to TODD) So how's my honey this morning?

LYLE But I thought you were, you know...

TODD Gay? I am. Lyle this is Debra. Debra, Lyle.

LYLE shakes DEBRA'S hand, she hands him his coffee.

DEBRA I'm a guy male crossdresser. It keeps our relationship fresh.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE holding back a laugh.


TODD (laughing) Right. They call us a "Twisted Pair" around here. Love
the attention..

CUT TO:

EXT. LARGE OFFICE AREA. DAY

LYLE follows DEBRA between several rows of very expensive desks,
cabinets with modern dividers. Each desk has it's own computer on it.
The office is half empty, as many sales and engineers are out. DEBRA
(pointing to his cube) Here you go Lyle, your home until you move up
or screw up.

DEBRA points to another desk.

DEBRA(cont) Woody sits there.

VOICE (from background) Debra, you got a minute..

DEBRA Lyle, make yourself at home homey, I'll be right back.

DEBRA walks off, LYLE sits down, plays with his desk top items, looks
for pen in his pocket. Instead he finds the Voice Recognition diskette
he had stolen from the MIME's exhibit. LYLE puts the diskette in his
computer and it whirls away. Then a WOMAN'S VOICE sounds.

COMPUTER Welcome to your new computer, one that can respond to the
human voice. Please enter your name.


LYLE, startled, looks around, afraid someone heard this, staring at
the computer, enters L-Y-L-E

COMPUTER Nice to meet you Lyle. Now enter the name of a business
Associate.

LYLE types C-A-R-R-I-E COMPUTER If Carrie talked to your computer,
what would you want me to tell her.

INSERT

LYLE types :I LUST FOR YOUR BODY.

COMPUTER Now say the same phrase to me.

LYLE looks around to make sure no one is watching him.

LYLE I lust for your body.

COMPUTER You've said "lup sanew bodem" If this is not correct, please
repeat.

LYLE (a little louder) I lust for your body.

Again the computer repeats it incorrectly, asking LYLE to repeat
again.

LYLE (louder) I lust for your body.

Just then DEBRA returns.

DEBRA I told you honey. I'm a one man man.

NEW ANGLE:

LYLE looks up to see DEBRA standing there, TWO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
leaving, LYLE recognizes one from the mens room at Chips & Dips the
night before.

LYLE I was talking to the com...., I mean your right. By the way, who
were those guys you were with?

DEBRA Oh, Secret Service. They're getting ready for the Presidents
implant... You're heard about that?...Oh well, lets get you on your
tour.

CUT TO:


INT. OFFICE HALLWAY. MORNING.

LYLE is following DEBRA down a long hallway with numerous people
scurrying back and forth between the rooms.

DEBRA From our development labs we can get to any of the training
areas for our customers.

LYLE They any good...you know the trainers, the Systems people.

DEBRA Hey, Todd tells me their the best around. Swears they can take a
fifty year old ex-postal worker whose vocabulary consisted of two
words, "what gun", and make him computer literate in three days.

LYLE Come on...

DEBRA Here, look. Someone being individually tutored.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE looks into a classroom door. There is frightened looking  FIFTY
YEAR POSTAL WORKER on a chair. A WOMAN in a three piece suit with a
whip is circling him.

TRAINER 1 And where would I file it?

POSTAL WORKER I'm not sure?

FIRST TRAINER  (cracks whip) Can you say?

POSTAL WORKER (shaking) On a hard disk

FIRST TRAINER I knew you could

ANGLE ON:

LYLE and DEBRA walk away to the next doors.

DEBRA That's what I hope to do here,...Todd says I'm good with whips.

LYLE I'm sure you are.

DEBRA But the customers rave about our training too. Maybe not at
first, but by the time they leave.

ANGLE ON:

A classroom filled with TWENTY STUDENTS, all professional looking
people. A SECOND TRAINER is walking around the quiet classroom.
Suddenly he slaps a stick on a STUDENT's desk

SECOND TRAINER Finish the sentence,...Computers are...

STUDENT (in tears) Never wrong, mankind is.

ANGLE ON:

Walking away.

DEBRA See, its not just me. People love P.M.S. and it's software.

LYLE Right you are.

LYLE drops behind DEBRA as she walks and rambles on. He peers into a
office labeled "Individual Counseling." A BUSINESSMAN with his wrist
strapped to the desk has electrodes taped over his body. Across from
him sits a FEMALE INSTRUCTOR.

BUSINESSMAN The Internet is my life...

He's zapped by the electrodes


BUSINESSMAN (shaking, sweating) Sorry, sorry,...ah...the Internet with
P.M.S. is user friendly.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF P.M.S. DAY

DEBRA and LYLE exit the building, now walking down a busy D.C. street.

LYLE If you don't mind, where are we going?

DEBRA Sorry, I get carried away. We're going across the street to the
Engineering Building. You'll get to meet the people on the top secret
Implant Project.

LYLE Top Secret?

Just then JOBA THE HUT passes by them, mumbling to himself, pushing
the shopping cart of old computer parts. DEBRA drops a diskette in the
cup he's holding, takes a pencil from his cup.

ANGLE ON:

As they walk toward the door of the Engineering building, LYLE stares
at a group of cars waiting in line for at a Drive-Thru window to the
left of the main door.


FIRST DRIVER (into mike) I'll take a computer, software, and that cute
gray mouse.

SPEAKER Any Java with that today?

CAR #1 No thanks.

SPEAKER That will be seven hundred fifty dollars and thirty cents,
please pull ahead.

NEW ANGLE : LYLE What the hell...?

DEBRA (to LYLE) That's TWIT's idea to reduce marketing       costs,
the sales rep of the future, complete with low cost polyester jump
suit.

LYLE I knew it was getting bad. I just never thought I'd be replaced
by a seventeen year old with pimples in baby blue poley.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY DOOR. DAY.

LYLE and DEBRA approach a door that TWO CAFETERIA WORKERS sliding
trays with raw meat through a small opening at the bottom of the door.
As they pass, they hear LIONS ROARING behind a door locked with huge
bolts, labeled "INTERNET PROGRAMMERS" "IMPLANT CHIP PROJECT"


NEW ANGLE:

DEBRA and LYLE enter the main computer room that covers half a floor
at the Engineering Building. Millions of dollars of equipment are
blinking and buzzing while DOZENS OF TECHI TYPES (all wearing black
glasses with coke bottle lens) power walk between the system while
reading reports they are holding. SEVERAL TECHI's are typing at
keyboards so fast, the keyboards are smoking.


SEVERAL TECHI'S are shoveling computer paper into the doors of a huge
computer, which is printing as fast as they shovel.

LYLE (to DEBRA) Bet ya Evelyn Wood would have a hard time keeping up
with that monster.

They walk past a huge stack of modems.

DEBRA Our customers can dial into our computers and get the latest
updates. TWIT even dials in to get his schedule.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE beaming, drops behind DEBRA and on a scrap of paper, copies a
phone number off a modem.

NEW ANGLE:

DEBRA and LYLE enter the next door, and find themselves inside a huge
Laboratory with tables full of testing equipment, computers and
electronic devices yet unnamed.

DEBRA (yelling) Randy, are you here dear?

VOICE (From back of room) Back here.

NEW ANGLE:

LYLE and DEBRA walk past rows of more equipment and come up on RANDY
sitting at his desk working on a computer. RANDY is in his fifties,
with a big pot belly and red cheeks (Johnatan Winters lookalike). A
genius who could pass for Santa Claus. His desk is a worse mess then
LYLE's house.

RANDY (to DEBRA) Hello there dear, how's my tiny little friend doing?

DEBRA Just fine Randy, I brought along Lyle Bryson to meet you.

RANDY (Hand outstretched) Glad to meet you son.

LYLE Nice to meet you too sir.

RANDY Sir? Just call me Randy, We're all family here. Well except for
some.       I'm just finishing a project here, Just give me a minute.

RANDY turns back to computer.

RANDY OK Sarah, go up two lines and back three words to System.

LYLE watches a real live WHITE MOUSE with a cord running from her to
the computer move up and to the left when she stopped.


LYLE Jesus Christ!

RANDY OK, Sarah, delete the word.

The MOUSE blinks and the word disappears. RANDY gives SARAH a treat
and pats her head. DEBRA (to LYLE) Randy's pet project (laughs) He was
working on a new mouse system that also used voice commands. That was
until the animal activists started pro- testing against experimenting
with animals. Almost broke his heart.


RANDY (explaining) Can't give up Sarah, we've become close friends.
She likes working here.

LYLE felt the disks in his pocket.

LYLE Ah Randy, can you take a look at this program I'm having trouble
with?

RANDY Sure 'nough son, let me take a look.

LYLE hands him the disk, RANDY puts it in the system, fires it up.

RANDY Ah, voice recognition. Sarah and I have worked on this stuff for
the last two years...Ah, here we go, same problem...give me a minute
Lyle, have her fixed right up.

While RANDY types like a wild man, LYLE notices all the awards on
RANDY's wall.

RANDY Here you go son, all fixed. You ever got a problem, you come
back. Okay? CUT TO:

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. STREET. AFTERNOON

DEBRA and LYLE step back outside Engineering building ready to cross
street when a White House Motorcade, sirens blaring, passes three feet
in front of them.

LYLE Wow, the Vice President?

DEBRA You get used to it honey... I always wanted to do it with the
"MAN" in that limo (blushes) Sorry, I always get myself hot.

NEW ANGLE:

High Camera follows the motorcade down the street until it turns at
next corner.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ASS HEADQUARTERS. AFTERNOON.

The motorcade screeches up, FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS position
themselves around the car as the VP quickly jumps out of limo, enters
door.

CUT TO:

INT. A.S.S. HEADQUARTERS. AFTERNOON.

We follow the VP as he briskly walks down hallways to the war room.
The hallways are bustling with ASS AGENTS, men and women, all wearing
gray three piece suits, dark sunglasses and blond beatle haircuts. The
VP enters the Walnut doors to the main conference room, SECRET SERVICE
AGENTS take up positions outside the door. CUT TO:

A coat rack with numerous blond beatle toupees hanging.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM AT A.S.S. AFTERNOON.

The camera pans a conference room overlooking a buzzing war room at
A.S.S. On the walls are pictures of Richard Nixon, Stalin, and Pee Wee
Herman. Seated next to VP is GATES, and LINDY's GENERAL STAFF. COL.
All have stiff crew cuts. SUMNERS is standing at head of room.


GATES Mr.. Vice President, Operation Computer Virus is less then 24
hours old. Turn to Sumner) What's the status Col. Sumners?

COL. SUMNERS rises, striking a pointer repeatedly in her hand.

SUMNER We are proceeding to plan, we replaced the real Monica Simpley
with a double. We are debriefing the real MONICA in our torture room.


SUMNER presses a button, and a large drapery pulls back, they overview
a torture chamber that has the REAL MONICA strapped into a chair. We
watch an AGENT pouring beer into her while non stop Windows 95 ads
flash on the wall in front of her.

TORTURE AGENT The code Monica, we want the code

He then pours a bit more lite beer into her mouth.

REAL MONICA No, please turn off the lite... I can't anymore...

The room is suddenly dark.

REAL MONICA Not that lite you ass...

SUMNER presses a button, and the curtain closes.

SUMNER AS you can see, we'll have her broke, just like Joba the Hut
(pause) General Gates, phase two and three are ready to begin on your
orders.

GATES rises to address the group.

GATES As you all know, the takeover of PMS is essential to our real
goal of world dominance. Ever since we lost Richard...

GATES pauses, a lump entering his throat as he turns to Nixon's
picture and everyone salutes.


GATES (cont) to the liberal press and the so called Republican pansies
who run at the first sign of...

pause

GATES (cont) I digress. Mr.. Vice President, we all morn the day your
Dad, Richard Milhouse Nixon was robbed of his power, of his vision for
world dominance. And now, a woman president (anger)... But soon, you
shall stand in his rightful               place and claim the world
that was right- fully ours.

GATES pauses, giving the VICE PRESIDENT a chance to speak.

VICE PRESIDENT I dream of that day, and I thank all of you in this
final hour as victory approaches. Then all the world will know I am
his bastard son. The bastard that will rule their very lives.

GATES (in his Ed McMahon voice) You are co-r-rect sir! (Normal voice)
The Eastern Bloc has fallen. No ever figured it was our weapons system
software that we sold though fronts in the Middle East, loaded with
our Computer Virus's that destroyed the Communists. Now all that's
left for us to control the world is to rid Washington of the pinko
politicians gloating and basking over OUR work.

The room is vibrant with energy, not since Hitler has a berserk
individual stirred such a blind following.

GATES (Continuing) And PMS has the tool we need to finish our destiny.
Their soft- ware will be implanted in the President. They will think
we are out to destroy PMS. And when they are down for the count, we
make a sweet heart deal. Once we own them, we eliminate the President.
And Mr. VP carries the legacy forward. Sumner, begin Phase two.

EVERYONE (yelling) VICTORY for Gates! VICTORY for our cause!

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. EARLY MORNING.

LYLE enters a conference room that again reeks of too much money. Teak
walls are covered with more expensive art work. LYLE moves toward
WOODY who is sipping coffee while talking with another SALESPERSON.
WOODY looks up and sees LYLE.

WOODY (waving to LYLE) Lyle, over here.

LYLE walks over to WOODY. They are standing by a table groaning with
platters of fruit, danish, juices, and urns of coffee.

LYLE Nice morning.

WOODY Lyle, like you to meet the boys, Terry, Clint, Frank, and Amy.

LYLE greets each one shaking their hands.

WOODY (muffin in mouth) Lyle, grab some coffee and a roll.

LYLE picks up a china coffee cup, slightly larger then a thimble. He
looks around for something larger but can't find it. He pours coffee
out of an expensive urn, walks over to WOODY, takes one sip. The
coffee's gone. An unseen VOICE announces the meeting is ready to
start.

LYLE Shit!

He runs to the table, empties a crystal water bottle into a fake fern
and fills the empty vessel with coffee.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE finds the only seat open. He's got four glazed donuts loaded with
powdered sugar in one hand. In the other is a china coffee cup and the
crystal bottle now filled with steaming coffee. It is burning the shit
out of him, and causes him to drop the donuts on the table.

LYLE ((Mumbling) Shit, shit, shit.

LYLE finds himself sitting next to CARRIE who has a glass of water and
two pieces of fruit. She stares at LYLE'S sugary mess.

CARRIE Breakfast of champions?

LYLE can only stare, speechless as TWIT begins talking.

TWIT Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I think most of you have met
our new salesman, Lyle.

Everyone stares at LYLE, who has powdered sugar smeared all over him
and jelly on his tie and shirt.

TWIT(sarcastic) Lyle, glad to see you're settling in so quickly.

ANGLE ON:

The is tittering around the table when the crystal jug with coffee
suddenly shatters from the heat, spilling coffee onto LYLE'S crotch.

LYLE Jesus Christ on a bike!!!!

ANGLE ON

The scorched LYLE leaping from his seat, knees slamming into
conference table. His chair spins out from under him, dumping him on
floor.


CARRIE (looking down at) You're supposed to drink the caffeine, not
pour it on your balls.

ANGLE ON

The meeting settles down with TWIT showing numerous computer generated
bar charts and graphs. His voice fades out as LYLE tries to find his
dignity now wreaking of coffee and wet clothes. Suddenly TWIT's VOICE
rises again on the soundtrack.

ANGLE ON:

TWIT As you know, Wallstreet is singing our praises with the
announcement of Governments purchase of our expier- imental software
that will be implanted in the President to monitor her health on a
second by second basis. Congratulations team, now I would also like to
announce Ms Simpley, head of our Implant Project, will also head up
the marketing of this exciting               new product.

The room explodes into applause. MONICA stiffly walks to the front.
CARRIE looks upset as she wanted the job, but at least a woman did get
the position.


MONICA (in a deep voice) Thank you Tyrone... (cough)...(higher voice)
I mean Mr.. Thurrow. I would like to meet with each one of you to
review your work plans in order to coordinate our               
actions...Dismissed.

MONICA and TWIT swiftly leave the room, TWIT pinches MONICA's butt.

MONICA(from outside door) TWIT....

Everyone stares at each other.

WOODY Dismissed? Did Monica recently join the National Guard?

LYLE She's obviously played too many gunship games...

TODD FELLOW, with large sequined glasses on, who had been taking notes
of the meetings, stares at the now vacant doorway.

TODD I'm starting to worry that my hormones are starting that change
thing...Why, my loins got all warm when Monica spoke.

CARRIE (serious) Something's going on here....


CUT TO: INT. MONICA'S OFFICE. AFTERNOON. SAMEDAY.

MONICA takes a last drag on a huge Cuban cigar, and puts it out. She
adjusts her wig and checks her lip stick in a mirror.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE DOOR OF SIMPLEY'S OFFICE. AFTERNOON.

LYLE knocks on door.

SIMPLEY Come in Lyle.


LYLE opens the door and enters SIMPLEY'S office. He sniffs a faint
scent of recent cigar smoke. SIMPLEY is standing, arm outstretched.

LYLE (mumbling) Cigar?

SIMPLEY (shaking hands) Have a seat Lyle.


SIMPLY (reading file) I see by your file that you've been quite
successful in your previous sales position?


LYLE Yes, guess I've been lucky.


SIMPLEY Luck, I doubt it. Just like I think luck had nothing to do
with your working for five companies in eight years.

LYLE (feeling uncomfortable) Well, you know how this industry is, here
one day, gone the next.

SIMPLEY (anger building) Well Mr.. Bryson, you got a huge
responsibility here, marketing our new Internet Medical Software. You
could wipe A.S.S. Computers out of their only market. Have hundreds of
people       lose their jobs...

LYLE Hey, I'm not that good, besides they've owned that market for
years.

SIMPLEY I believe in being Frank...I mean Monica. I don't think you
can cut it. Besides you'll be competing with Carrie for the position.
I want you out of the office dropping into medical offices without
appointments. We'll see what you're made of. You got three weeks to
prove me wrong. Have I made myself clear?

LYLE (pissed tone) Perfectly...

ANGLE ON:

A look of disbelief passes over LYLE's face as he gets up and leaves.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE PMS ENTRANCE. AFTERNOON.

LYLE walks out in disbelief, it's starting all over again, three weeks
and he's out on his butt. As he leaves the door for his car, WOODY and
CARRIE walk up. CARRIE seems unrealistically relaxed.

CARRIE So...how did it go?

LYLE Are you talking to me?

CARRIE Yeah, how'd it go?

LYLE What happened to the great Monica everyone bragged about last
night. So much for the team player. I think the Iron Maiden has a grip
on TWIT's...

CARRIE Face it, you have a problem working for intelligent woman.
Remember, you may date bimbo's, but here we are more then your equal.
Well I'm ready for my meeting. Watch out, two female minds thinking
alike are unstoppable.


LYLE Well, I got to go, pick up my roommate from work.

CARRIE marches off, WOODY following, shrugging at LYLE.

CUT TO:

INT. LOBBY OF ADVERTISING AGENCY. LATE AFTERNOON.

LYLE walks into a plush and busy DC advertising agency. He walks up to
receptionist.

LYLE I'm here to pick up Tom Selleck.

He pauses, the receptionist looks exactly like TODD.

RECEPTIONIST Problem sir?


LYLE Sorry, you just looked like someone I knew.

RECEPTIONIST I'll get Mr.. Selleck for you.

The RECEPTIONIST rings a phone, mumbles something and hangs up, now
picking up other ringing lines. LYLE takes a moment to look about
waiting for TOM. Then TOM SELLECK appears, a wire haired terrier dog,
with a canine made Detroit Tigers baseball cap on, his mustached lip
makes him look like a four legged Tom Selleck. Walking with him is SLY
NETHERS, the ad agency executive, TOM is the Poster Dog for Liney
Beer.

SLY Now remember Tom baby, not too much partying, we got a big shoot
next week.

SLY leaves and TOM walks over to LYLE.

LYLE Hey Tom, how bout some pizza and a couple beers.

TOM Bark, bark.

LYLE Hey, I'd like nothin better then a steak, but I'm running short
on cash. You know if you had taken cash for that Liney sponsorship
instead of beer...

CUT TO:

EXT. D.C. CITY STREETS. NIGHT.

LYLE and TOM are driving though the streets of Washington in his
sports car with the top down on way to Chips and Dips.

TOM Bark, bark.

LYLE (eating) Not bad,...The software I'm going to sell looks good,
but my new boss hasn't quite taken to me yet.


TOM Bark, ruff, ruff

LYLE Hey, this job will be different, I'll show you. Besides, tomorrow
I got my first sales meeting, get to see Carrie again...did I tell you
I saw the Vice President in the mens room...

TOM Bark, bark

LYLE Oh yeah, twice

They pull into the parking lot.

CUT TO:

EXT. PATIO AT CHIPS & DIPS. NIGHT.

TOM and LYLE are sitting at a table on the outside patio at Chips and
Dips. The beautiful skyline and lights of Washington twinkle behind
them.

LYLE I know how you hate to get carded,

but once you get known here...

A waitress arrives at table ready to take an order.

LYLE (to Tom) Liney or Light?

TOM (twitching his head) Bark!

LYLE Liney, I keep forgetting. Oh, and get us a pizza with anchovies
and sausage, thanks.

The waitress walks away to place the order.

ANGLE ON:


WOODY and a disturbed CARRIE walk up to LYLE and TOM's table.

CARRIE Mind if we join you?

LYLE Hey, welcome to the end of a shitty day.

CARRIE and WOODY sit down. LYLE is introducing TOM when up walks NICK
CALCERNO the owner of the bar.

CALCERNO Looks like four people lost their best friend.

CARRIE You could say that...Oh, Nick, this is Lyle Bryson, a new sales
rep, and his roommate Tom.

CALCERNO shakes LYLE's hand.

CALCERNO Nice to meet you Lyle. I love when they hire more
salespeople. Makes my business jump.

CALCERNO shakes TOM's paw.

CALCERNO Sorry about the problem with the ID before. Its a pleasure to
have the LINEY spokesdog visit us.

LYLE You do have a nice place to hide out.

CARRIE (to LYLE) Nick was a sales manager at ASS Computers, quit right
after Gates bought the business from Joba the Hut.

LYLE You mean Joba the hut...the bum?

CALCERNO Yeah, he was partners with Gates in charge of New Product
development when he went into the mental hospital. Poor guy, never
recovered. We try to give him food, but all he ever wants is software
and old computer parts.

LYLE And booze.

WOODY No, he doesn't drink. Talks about the virus he caught. Poor guy.

CALCERNO Well, speaking of booze what can I get you folks. Gotta pay
the rent on these ferns. Can't do it by handing out free advise. Think
of me as psychiatrist that charges by the bottle.

CARRIE and WOODY order drinks as the waitress brings LYLE and TOM
theirs.

CUT TO:

EXT. BILLBOARD ON WASHINGTON D.C. STREET. NIGHT.

We watch several cars pass the huge P.M.S. billboard in the late night
hours.

ANGLE ON:

We see TWO PEOPLE in blackface, outfitted completely in black clothing
with the initials A.S.S. embroidered on their hooded shirts. They are
loosening the bolts on the huge, mock computer that's attached to the
billboard. They place a small black box, with a small, flashing LED
light and antenna next to the remaining bolt.


CUT TO: EXT. CHIP & DIPS PATIO. NIGHT

CARRIE, WOODY, LYLE, and TOM are busy finishing the pizza and drinking
beer.

WOODY I don't know, she's not the same person...thinks it's one of
those female things?

CARRIE Knock it off buddy.

LYLE Hey, I came here hoping this would be a brilliant career move.
And I end my second day threatened with being fired within the month.

WOODY Something doesn't jive, but it's late and I got to hit the road.

CARRIE Me too, early day tomorrow. Take care Lyle, Tom.

CARRIE and WOODY leave, LYLE waves for another round.

CUT TO:

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. STREETS. MIDNIGHT.

The streets are almost deserted as TOM drives, a drunken LYLE passed
out in the right seat. TOM drives by ASS headquarters and see the VP
hop into his Limo, sirens wail, streaking off into the night. TOM's
head twitches, acknowledging something was going on here.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S BEDROOM. EARLY AM.

The alarm clock goes off at seven AM, we see the covers rustle, from
under the covers TOM gets out, turning off the alarm with his paw.

CUT TO: INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM. EARLY AM.

LYLE is fast asleep in his lounge chair. Over a dozen beer cans litter
the floor around him. TOM licks LYLE's face until he wakes up. LYLE
Wow...where am I, Oh thanks Tom...Thank god that Toto thing with the
flying house was a bad dream.

LYLE looks like hell, like an all night drunk. Unshaved in shorts and
T-shirt he staggers to the kitchen and makes up a mix of bloody Marys
in a filthy blender. Pours himself a glass and chases down a handful
of aspirins with some. He takes the glass and pitcher, pulls some cold
pizza out of the refrigerator, and saunters into the dining room.
Sound of TV in background. LYLE pours a bloody Mary in a cup himself,
sets down a Liney (Leinenkugal Beer) for TOM, sits down and throws a
couple slices of cold pizza on TOM'S plate. TOM's deep into a TV show.


ANGLE ON:

Insert TV screen. We come in on a DISTINGUISHED LOOKING EXECUTIVE in a
Brooks Brother three piece suit, quietly sobbing on stage.

OPRAH And when were you aware that computers were causing problems?

EXECUTIVE In 1980, we had a bookkeeper go crazy on us...swore she saw
someone in the computer watching her.

OPRAH Too much stress?...Did you get her help?

EXECUTIVE No, she was right. We had little people inside watching
their every move...when she went to the bath room, how fast she
typed...

OPRAH But you still bought more?

EXECUTIVE It was easy at first, you know, Computer Abuse does not
leave any visible scars.

OPRAH Why are you coming forward now?

EXECUTIVE It was OK in the early years. The secretaries, the clerks
could handle them. But then we gave them to the executives...

He begins to sob more.

EXECUTIVE (continuing) But we weren't smart enough to use them. The
little men inside found out that we screwed off more then our
employees...That's why I'm here, I got fired because of them.

He rises to his feet, crying and yelling.

EXECUTIVE Now they're coming into our homes They've got to be stopped,
we must destroy them...

OPRAH interrupts him.

OPRAH We'll be back in a minute with more on this silent killer... the
computer

NEW ANGLE :

LYLE reaches up and turns off TV.

LYLE Great, that's all I need to hear today.


They finish their pizza. The home is a older rustic home with lofted
ceilings on the outskirts of Washington D.C. with a great view of the
Capital Building in the background. The house is bachelor messy, lots
of old furniture in beamed and bricked room that are open to each
other. In the corner of the living room is LYLE's computer system. He
sits down at it, turns it on.

The computer comes on, LYLE picks "DIAL MODEM" with the computer
mouse.

INSERT:

The COMPUTER RESPONDS "ENTER PHONE NUMBER"

LYLE pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and several diskettes out of
his briefcase and types in the phone number.

INSERT:

The computer whirls away, the screen come back with "Welcome to
P.M.S." with a menu of items.

He smiles, turns off his modem and puts in the Voice diskette he had
taken from work. Opens a bag from Computer Shack and attaches a
microphone to his computer.

COMPUTER Hello Lyle, welcome to your voice computer. Please say your
command now.

LYLE Dial P.M.S. Computer.

COMPUTER Command "Slurply" invalid. Please say again.

LYLE (getting pissed) Dial P.M.S. computer.

COMPUTER Command Slurpy invalid. Please say again.

LYLE (hitting computer) God damn stuff never works..

Just then TOM jumps up on LYLE's lap

TOM (licking LYLE) Bark, ruff, bark.

COMPUTER You want a Liney?

LYLE (mouth open, smiling) Randy, you son of a bitch. You set it up to
respond to animals.

TOM Bark, bark, ruff, ruff

COMPUTER (translates Tom) I saw the Vice Presidents motorcade leaving
the ASS building last night

LYLE stares off at a picture of his dad on the wall. We see a picture
of a nerdish man in a tight postal uniform, pants hiked high, with
white socks on top of huge black shoes. His dad is holding open his
wallet proudly displaying a postal inspectors badge. On a small brass
plague reads "MIA, Baltimore, Aug 17, 1977."

LYLE Something is going on here. I got to do this one for my dad and
the other Postal Department MIA's.

TOM has turned on TV and cranked up the volume.

NEW ANGLE :

Insert TV screen, OPRAH is talking.

OPRAH And when we come back, a woman who visits her four year old
daughter in jail. The tots crime? She learned to be a computer hacker
in pre-school, got into the US ARMY computer network and changed every
soldiers name to GI Joe... Stay with us.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM. LATE MORNING.

LYLE walks in tying his tie, immaculate in his three piece suit, heavy
starched white oxford shirt. TOM is sitting on a chair at the
computer.

LYLE Now remember, keep practicing. I've also hooked it up to the
doorbell and intercom. And no wild parties while I'm out.

CUT TO:

EXT. P.M.S. PARKING LOT. NOON.

LYLE drives into parking lot and notices a black unmarked police
"type" car racing out with TWO BLOND BEATLE CUT WOMEN in three piece
suits with dark sunglasses on. He drives in further, coming alongside
WOODY and CARRIE walking out to their cars.

LYLE Kids heading to lunch?

CARRIE (still walking) Lyle, did you Just decide to come to work?

LYLE Hey, I'm just following the Iron Maiden's command to spend time
on the road. Where you heading?

WOODY Demo at Sister Terrors office. LYLE Oh yeah, well, good luck.

LYLE speeds off and parks his car. He grabs his briefcase and while
walking to door passes CARRIE standing at the side of her car, two
tires flatter then a pancake. She kicks the flattened tire.

CARRIE Son of a bitch, not now!

LYLE walks over, bends down to look at the flat tire while CARRIE
rants on.


ANGLE ON:

LYLE pulls a computer chip out of CARRIES tire, imprinted on the chip
in small print is "A.S.S.". TWO CARS away WOODY's incredulous voice
can be heard.

WOODY Got mine too!!

CARRIE Dammit, if we don't make the meeting we forfeit the account.

LYLE Never fear, Lyle's MG is here.

CUT TO: EXT. ROAD. AFTERNOON.

LYLE and CARRIE are seated in the topless M.G. WOODY is perched in
between them sitting on the trunk lid. They pass a car with TWO A.S.S.
AGENTS, less than a block from P.M.S. Headquarters.

ANGLE ON: An A.S.S. is on the radio as the M.G. goes by.

A.S.S. CAR #2 (on radio) Raven, three suspects with P.M.S. heading to
target in green MG.

CUT TO:

INT. A.S.S. CONTROL ROOM. AFTERNOON.

The radio control room at A.S.S. is humming with CIA LOOKING AGENTS
controlling the attack on P.M.S..

RADIO OPERATOR Agent Guliver, come in.

GULIVER Guliver here.

RADIO OPERATOR Suspects were able to obtain alternate      
transportation and in route to target. Initiate Plan Coffee Creamer.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATORS OFFICE. AFTERNOON.

WOODY, CARRIE, and LYLE rush up to SECRETARY.

CARRIE (to secretary) Hello, we're from P.M.S. to meet with Sister
Terror...I mean Sister Terrence.

SECRETARY (pointing to                                            
conference room) You may setup in that conference room, but they'll be
here any minute.

CARRIE and WOODY rush off to get set up.

LYLE (to Secretary) The day hasn't been kind to those two.

LYLE walks in to conference room shortly after the other two, at the
door he meets a WAITER pushing out a cart. The waiter is nervous, and
has a blond beatle toupee slightly slipped left.

The meeting gets underway as SISTER Terror and her SIX CRONIES take
their seats. CARRIE is presenting their proposal at the front of the
room with a large screen TV controlled by WOODY on a computer at the
back of the room. WOODY is sucking coffee, LYLE standing beside him
watching.

CARRIE And as you can see the implant chip is controlled...

There is a crash in the back of the room as WOODY falls over, passed
out.

FIRST BOARD MEMBER Oh, my god.

SECOND BOARD MEMBER Someone, call a doctor.

ANGLE ON:

SEVERAL NURSES and a DOCTOR bursts into the room, everyone is standing
over WOODY.

DOCTOR Heart, everything is fine, it appears he just passed out. I
think we should move him to a room for observation.

CARRIE Sure, fine. Whatever we need to do.

They place WOODY on a gurney and wheel him out.

SISTER TERROR Well, let's take a ten minute break and continue.

CARRIE Shouldn't we, I mean, postpone because..

SISTER TERROR Miss-ie, this is a test of how you can respond if we
have a real emergency here with patient lives hanging in the balance.
You got ten minutes to continue or withdraw.

The SISTER and her BOARD MEMBERS march out.

CARRIE (to LYLE) What in the hell are we going to do?

LYLE (picking up phone) We could send up the batman light or...

CARRIE Are you calling...

LYLE The Iron Maiden, no way... (on phone) Hello Todd, this is Lyle, I
need your help...No not that way, can you find Randy for me... it's an
emergency.

CUT TO:

INT. RANDY'S OFFICE. AFTERNOON.

RANDY (on phone to LYLE) Randy here, I didn't think you were here long
enough to get in trouble.

LYLE Randy, I'm at Woodland Hospital with Carrie giving a
presentation. Some weird shit's going on, flat tire, Woody passed
out...

RANDY Woody passed out, is he OK?

LYLE Yeah, but if we don't go on with the show, we forfeit the deal.

RANDY Hang in their son, I'm going to the computer room. We'll talk
you down.

RANDY puts LYLE on hold, races off to the computer room.


LYLE (to CARRIE) Go get ready, I got Randy to talk me through this.


CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER ROOM AT P.M.S.. AFTERNOON.

RANDY and SEVERAL OTHERS have headsets on. (This scene will be
INTERCUT between the BOARD ROOM and the P.M.S. COMPUTER ROOM)

RANDY Come in Lyle.

LYLE I'm here Randy.

RANDY OK son, have you ever flown a computer before?

LYLE (to himself) Flown a computer?

LYLE (on phone) Just played Top Gun 86 times with my surround sound
pumped?

RANDY Good enough, we'll get you down.

ANGLE ON:

RANDY speaks to his FIRST ASSISTANT in the COMPUTER ROOM.

RANDY

I want line two-two cleared of all traffic. And get the emergency     
 equipment standing by.

RANDY (on phone) You there son?

ANGLE ON: LYLE Ready and waiting

ANOTHER ANGLE :

The room begins to fill back up. CARRIE is nervously pacing at the
front of the room. In background is LYLE talking on phone.

SISTER TERROR Let's begin, Ms. Breeder

CARRIE looks to LYLE at back of room. He gives her the " thumbs -up"
sign with the phone glued to his ear.

CARRIE Ladies and gentlemen, before the mishap, we were about to show
our final software system for control of human vitals.

ANGLE ON:

The lights dim, as the large screen by CARRIE is fed from the computer
in the back LYLE is running.

CUT TO: INT. P.M.S. COMPUTER ROOM. AFTERNOON.

RANDY (on phone) OK son, Lets give her a little more throttle, press
the up arrow several times.

ANGLE ON::

LYLE presses down on the up arrow on the computer keyboard.

ANGLE ON:

Behind CARRIE the screens start flashing by. She starts to hurry up
her presentation delivery, is falling behind the slides, looks back to
LYLE for help.

LYLE Randy, we going too fast we're pushing the envelope

CARRIE continues to rattle through the presentation.

RANDY OK boy, calm down. Press the right mouse, that will slow you
down.

LYLE presses the right mouse button on the computer keyboard. The
slides slow down to normal.

LYLE OK, that worked. What do we do now?

RANDY We got to work on getting you two down. Follow my instructions
closely. You got a plane full, I mean a roomful of people that trust
you.

LYLE Great, use a line my dates use on me just before I crash and
burn.

RANDY OK, I want you to adjust your altitude and heading. You with me?
LYLE Loud and clear.

RANDY OK, we'll take it off auto pilot. Press the left mouse key
again.

LYLE presses the key and the slides start going faster again.


LYLE Holy shit, we're crashing

RANDY Press the right mouse key and hold it.

The slides slow back down. LYLE calms down and slowly begins to get a
"feel" for the controls. LYLE then starts feeling cocky. Feels his way
around computer with the mouse, getting feel of its handling. "Top
Gun" type music faint in background. LYLE takes the mouse and yanks
hard right.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE smiling, in chair and computer upside down in back of room.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE'S POV looking at room of people from his upside down view, "top
gun" music playing. He sees CARRIE staring at him, He gives her thumbs
up, notices her look is one of being pissed, now notices that slides
are also upside down. He jerks mouse left and straightens out. Music
fades out.


RANDY We don't have time for hot shots!

LYLE Sorry...

RANDY OK, we got you on final. When we get you on the ground, hold
down the space key with everything you got. That will break you to a
stop. Got that.

LYLE Got it.

RANDY OK, lets drop some altitude, press both mouse buttons. (pause,
he looks over at Radar screen) OK, you're looking good. Come left one
R.

LYLE presses the "r"

RANDY A little more "r" (pause) come right two "t's"

ANGLE ON:

CARRIE is flowing through her presentation effortlessly. Her audience
is listening attentively.

RANDY Lets drop the gear, click the picture of the wheels with your
mouse

LYLE clicks the mouse, two CD's pop out of the computer CD drives on
the computer with the sound of aircraft landing gear dropping and
locking.

RANDY Your gear should be down & locked. You should see the runway now

The computer screen shows the outline of lights of a runway.

LYLE (yelling) I got em, I see it!

LYLE Sorry

RANDY We got you over the lights, drop her in.

LYLE (confident tone) Roger

ANGLE ON:


CARRIE And that ladies and gentlemen is why more hospitals have P.M.S.
then all our competitors combined.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE hits the space bar on the keyboard, holding it down. The screen
comes to a stop. The BOARD MEMBERS get up, shake CARRIE'S hand and
leave. SISTER TERROR even manages a thin smile.

CARRIE (to LYLE) You were incredible

LYLE Well, I've been known...


CARRIE cuts LYLE off, gathering her briefcase and papers.

CARRIE Look, I'll check on Woody you finish this up?

LYLE ...Ah...sure


CARRIE is walking out of door.

CARRIE (yelling) Meet us at Chips later...OK...

LYLE OK.

CUT TO:

INT. CHIP & DIPS BAR. NIGHT.

WOODY, LYLE and CARRIE are sitting at bar trying to put the days
events in order. CARRIE Glass of rose'...second thought get me a light

WOODY Heiny.

LYLE Liney

ANGLE ON:

CALCERNO returns with WOODY and CARRIE's beers in large frosted mugs.
Then a SMALL ENGLISHMAN hops up on the bar next to LYLE.

ENGLISHMAN What can I do for you mate?

LYLE (yelling at CALCERNO) NOT a Limey, a Liney!

CALCERNO slams a bottle of Leinenkugal down in front of LYLE.

CALCERNO Tense, you're much too tense. You know that's one of the
seven warning signs

LYLE Of what, an alcoholic

CALCERNO No, a computer-holic.

WOODY Yeah, we don't need another Joba.

ANGLE ON:

It is later and the CROWD has thinned. The P.M.S. GROUP continue to
drink and talk into the evening as a trickle of PEOPLE enter and leave
the bar.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY (looking at watch) Shit, I was supposed to pick up Marie an hour
ago...I'll be right back.

WOODY jumps up and runs off to a phone, leaving LYLE and CARRIE alone
at the table nursing their beers.

CARRIE You see, I got a chance here to get on top. To have the career
my mother never had an opportunity for.

LYLE Is that what you want?

CARRIE Yes it is...I'm not reliving my mothers life, I've thought
through all that...This is what I want. I happen to live in a time
where it's possible, even if you are a woman.

LYLE I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing when I grow up.

CARRIE Hey, the way you came through today...you can be on my team any
day.

WOODY rejoins them.

CARRIE I'm just not sure about you're taste in beer...

WOODY The old working late trick, if I'm not careful, it's bound to be
over used.

LYLE (look puzzled) How do you do that with glasses clanging and
people yelling for more beer.

WOODY and CARRIE smile at each other.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY is showing LYLE an industrial strength phone booth with a
machine hanging next to the phone with a list of buttons and a coin
slot.

WOODY What do you want, gunfire, traffic noise, office typewriters,...

LYLE Wow, cockpit noise from a 747...


WOODY CALCERNO put together some old computer boards and wa-la.
Royalty checks arrive from every happening bar in America.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY and LYLE return to table.

LYLE That's what I need, an idea like that phone booth...where I get
paid for MY ideas.

CALCERNO is putting two beers up for them.

CALCERNO The lady?...had to leave, but the beers are on her.

CALCERNO (to LYLE) She said to tell you, she doesn't take home sailors
the first night they meet.

LYLE (beaming) I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's good.

LYLE gets up, LINY in hand.

LYLE Nick, where's the boys room?

NICK on phone, points to a door at the opposite end of the bar.

LYLE Thanks-s.....

LYLE walks to door, grabs the handle to the Exit door by mistake,
opening it and falling into the Alleyway, his LINY beer pouring onto a
surprised JOBA.

JOBA Sir, that was not necessary.

A surprised LYLE and JOBA stare at each other, then begin Joba grabs
LYLES hand and begins dancing with him in the alleyway.


JOBA I cured, I'm cured. ...who the hell are you?

LYLE Hey, the names Lyle Bryson I work for PMS computers.

JOBA Wow, where Have I been ? God, I got to stop Gates before it's too
late.

LYLE WOW, slow down. Lets have a beer.

NEW ANGLE:

LYLE and JOBA are sitting at one end of the bar, drinking beer,
laughing and talking. Everyone else is sitting at the far end of the
bar to get away from the smell of JOBA. NICK has placed a fan to keep
the smell corralled in the corner.

JOBA Just before Gates left the government he did one more job for the
White House. Word has it he broke into the D.C. Sperm Bank. He was
supposed to destroy the records that showed Nixon bottled some sperm
that was implanted in Marilyn Monroe.

LYLE You mean Nixon got her pregnant?

JOBA Yah, in a remote control kind of way. Their baby is Dan Quail.

LYLE Holly shit.

JOBA So you see, with Nixon booted out of office, Gates has lived for
the day to return the Presidency to the

bastard son Dan Quail. And bring back the great days of the late 60's,
without the hippies. He got rid of me, now he's working on PMS.


LYLE I don't think anyone at PMS will believe me when I suggest Gates
and the Vice President are in this together.

JOBA Look, this is my mission, you don't need to get involved.

LYLE sits there, we flash to the memory of his dad, standing proud in
his ill-fitting postal uniform, white socks and huge black shoes.

LYLE No...I got to do this for my dad. (sap music plays) He was a
postal inspector, following down a hot lead in Baltimore that the
Nixon       administration was short stamping their mail. That's when
he             disappeared, forever.


JOBA MIA?

LYLE Yah, he was snatched from our lives fifteen years ago. The
government claims he is Missing in Action. Six postal inspectors
disappeared that year...

JOBA I never knew...

LYLE So you can see, I've been petty about losing my job, my mid life
crisis. Now I have a greater calling, my Dad would be proud.

JOBA Well, keep this discussion under your hat. Let me do some
digging.

LYLE But...

JOBA Don't worry, a drunken street beggar doesn't pose a large threat
to these guys.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM AT A.S.S.. NIGHT.

The room looks like the Situation Room under the White House. Crewcut
MEN and WOMEN are scurrying about with clipboards, talking into
headsets, and moving markers around on a map. At the head of a
conference table is GATES, seated next to his immediate staff.

GATES Soldiers, we must increase the pressure. We got the enemy on the
run and confused. Call Doctor Uzor Friendly..

The door buzzes and in walks an Huge six foot tall African Monkey,
white cloak, glasses, carrying a large beaker that's foaming over the
top. This is Dr. Uzor FRIENDLY, who speaks with a heavy Eastern
European accent.

GATES Dr. Uzor Friendly, could you please fill us in on the next phase
of Operation Computer Virus.

DR. FRIENDLY sets the beaker down. The lights dim in the room,
FRIENDLY begins flipping though slides of human misery.

DOCTOR Many of you are too young to remember the plagues that ravaged
Africa in the mid 1900's. Thousands died a pit-a-ful death.

Ohs and Ahs go through the now quiet room.


DOCTOR What we discovered were mutant viruses that jumped from one
monkey to man, changing into various mutant strains that no one could
keep up with.

More oh's and ahs. FRIENDLY's shows a film while speaking, that uses
cartoon characters of computer chips with smiling faces running around
a computer when on the outside a Dr. puts in a diskette that has a
sexy computer monkey on it. She gets inside computer, all the chips
are attracted to her. She kisses them and seconds later they scream in
pain, they're faces now melting into a hideous mass of bubbling flesh.

DOCTOR (cont) Well, in 1990, the world does not count on this mass of
human suffering to fuel itself. It relies on computers. Computers that
control our every move. And the man that controls these computers
(voice raising) controls the world.

Loud approval from the group.

DOCTOR (cont) My programmers have isolated an electronic virus every
bit as potent as the ones that wiped out half of Ubimab. We will plant
this virus's in the computers of PMS and their customers. It will
spread too fast for them to catch. When the company is destroyed, we
will own PMS, the presidency, and the world. Because only we have the
antidote.

FRIENDLY presses the button and the drapes open showing the REAL
MONICA laying in a corner babbling like a baby, her clothes torn and
dirty, face and hair a sight.

GATES (breaks in) We have broken the real Monica. We have the code
that controls the Presidents implanted software. She will die an
hideous death. And Dan will be President. But unlike his father,
Richard, he will follow our every command. And we will own the world.

Applause goes round the room. FRIENDLY shuts the drapes moving to a
computer.

DOCTOR Here men and women, is a normal display of our clinic computer
system.

Screen flashes several screens of information.


DOCTOR(cont) Now, when I will put this diskette in the computer. It's
been infected with the deadly virus "CRAP", Computer Resident Abuse
Protein. Kind-da like a yeast infection of de computers.

The DOCTOR takes a diskette out of the frothing beaker, inserts it in
the computer.

DOCTOR At a time pre selected, this is what happens.

The computer shows little PAC-MAN CHARACTERS are eating away
information off a patients medical record.

DOCTOR A deadly disease that will destroy the scourge known as P.M.S..

There is loud mumbling of approval though the room.

GATES Dr, thank you. We will now enter phase two.

CUT TO:

INT. SIMPLEY's OFFICE. MORNING.

Sitting in the early morning meeting is CARRIE, WOODY, LYLE and
SIMPLEY.

WOODY And the "nail" we pulled out of our tire were computer chips
from A.S.S..

SIMPLEY Sounds like a coincidence to me ...I think given your problems
at the demo, I should be at any customer meeting from now on

WOODY What the....

SIMPLEY And Mr.. Bryson, why were you there ....don't answer cause I
don't care. I've warned you before, once more you're someplace you
shouldn't... you'd better had gotten your resumes in the mail cause
you're on notice.

CARRIE But Monica, Lyle...

SIMPLEY It's Ms Simpley, and you all are dismissed.

CUT TO:

INT. SALES ROOM. MORNING.

All three walk back to their desks, LYLE swearing and throwing things.
TODD is delivering papers to the desks.

WOODY What happened to the Monica we loved and respected.

TODD watches SIMPLEY leave office, he wipes faint perspiration from
his forehead.

TODD I swear by my hormones that there's a dick in there somewhere.

CARRIE See, She grew a dick and lost all common sense...You know, like
all you men.

CARRIE (to Todd) We'd appreciate you telling us anything Monica does
that strange. Something       ain't right in Denmark.

TODD (walking away) Oh, ANYTHING is fine in Denmark, now DC...?

LYLE is putting things in his brief case.

WOODY Where you going Lyle?

LYLE You heard the Iron Maiden, I'm to be on the road. Sitting in
doctors offices trying to steal an appointment before the guy with the
severed limb gets in.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTORS OFFICES. DAY

We follow a MONTAGE of scenes where LYLE is sitting in packed DOCTORS
offices, crammed between CRYING KIDS with snotty noses, OLD FAT LADIES
moaning, and ELDERLY MEN telling him how many gall bladder operations
they've had and what the color of their urine is. He tries to hide in
six year old Women Day magazines, always to have the NURSE tell him:

NURSE Sorry, not today Mr., Bryson

CUT TO:

INT. CHIP & DIPS BAR. LATE AFTERNOON.

LYLE enters and sets down at the bar, his nose sniffling.

LYLE Shit, probably caught a cold from that little snot.

CALCERNO (arriving with beer) Or a case of P.M.S., bad day?

LYLE It's nuts, there's no way I'm going to sell anything before I die
of a communicable disease.

CALCERNO Yeah, Woody and Carrie were here for a late lunch. Sounds
like Monica's gone off her rocker. Happens to the best of them.

LYLE I think I'll send for that home study course tonight on bowling
bar repair...

CALCERNO Say what?

LYLE Never mind, I'm not making any sense.

CALCERNO Grab your beer and come with me a minute.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY follows CALCERNO to a meeting room off the bar where a group of
FIFTEEN PEOPLE are taking turns standing up and talking.


NERD ONE Hi, I'm Ludwig, and I'm a Computer-holic. (Clapping)

LYLE

What the hell....

CALCERNO puts his finger in front of mouth, silencing him.


NERD ONE I haven't touched a keyboard in two years.

There is more clapping from the crowd.

NERD ONE I've found spiritual happiness working in an office supply
store preaching to people the glory of using pencils and erasers.

More clapping as he sits down, a LITTLE OLD WOMAN stands up.


OLD WOMAN Hi, I'm Evelyn, and I've lost my only daughter to computers

There is a chorus of ohs from the PEOPLE in the room.

OLD WOMAN Here's how she looked when she sold cosmetics at Macy's.

A chorus of Wow's goes up as she holds up a picture of a beautiful
young woman.

OLD WOMAN And here she is after two years of working at a computer
screen hour after hour.

She shows a picture of a bugged eyed disfigured girl as a chorus of oh
my gods comes from the group. The OLD WOMAN now begins to cry.

OLD WOMAN Its hideous what they're doing to our society, We've got to
stop them from stealing our children.... or god will smite us all!

Everyone cheers the OLD WOMAN.

ANGLE ON:

CALCERNO and LYLE walk back to bar.

CALCERNO Don't lose the edge Lyle, or you'll end up in that funny
farm, like Joba. Unfortunately this group has been growing.

LYLE Thanks, I've waited out managers like the Iron Madam before. Just
hope she doesn't destroy the company on her way out.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE is sitting in his usual stool having a LINEY talking to CALCERNO.
In walk CARRIE and WOODY, sitting down next to LYLE.

LYLE Greeting troops, how's the war in the trenches


CARRIE Fuckin great...


CALCERNO Rose' Carrie?

CARRIE No I need something stiff

LYLE looks at WOODY, eyes widening satirically.

WOODY Blown every sale in the last three weeks because the computer
freaked out.

CARRIE Yeah, and that bag Simpley is blaming it all on Randy and his
people.

WOODY (to Lyle) And what has our mystery man been up to.

LYLE Well, I got that course work on bowling ball repair. And a
bowling shirt with my name embroidered on it. Just think, I could make
money wearing polyester. Scary?

CARRIE Lyle, do you have a split personality? One day you're decent
...well, for a male. Then you revert to a total ass.

LYLE Hey, the only way to survive this is to outlast the Iron Maiden.
(holding up beer) like this, not destroying your guts.

CALCERNO walks up, opening up newspaper.

CALCERNO You may not outlast this one.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY, LYLE, and CARRIE look at the headlines. "TWIT with P.M.S. acts
IRRATIONALLY, BLOATED STOCK FALLS"

WOODY Shit, resume' time

LYLE Think a striped bowling shirt would make me look more
professional?

CARRIE How can you laugh this off, this is my life.

CARRIE gets up and starts to walk off.

LYLE Where are you going?

CARRIE To see Randy, you guys coming?

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE OF CHIP & DIPS. NIGHT.

LYLE, CARRIE, and WOODY walk off to PMS lab to find RANDY. As they
pass Alley.

ANGLE ON:

TWO ASS AGENTS throw the REAL MONICA out of car into alley. She lays
there, looking like a street person, babbling incoherently. They throw
a shopping cart on top of her.

CUT TO:

INT. P.M.S. LAB. EVENING.

They enter a deserted lab where everyone has gone home, except a
LONELY CLEANING LADY, bearing a remarkable resemblance to SIMPLEY,
only much older. LYLE stares at her and shakes his head.

CARRIE (yelling)

Randy, are you here?

RANDY Back here...

LYLE, WOODY, and CARRIE walk to the back out the room and see RANDY in
old fliers leather goggles, cutting wooden building block letters on a
band saw, then sanding them.

WOODY What in the hell...

RANDY Hi kids, nice of you to visit me.

RANDY picks up the Wooden letters A,B,C,D, & E and walks to next room.
RANDY Follow me I want to get this experiment done tonight.

They follow RANDY in the next warehouse sized room that has a huge
wind tunnel in it. RANDY goes inside the wind tunnel and stacks the
letters up, steps out and turns the fan on. The thin flow of smoke
streaks across the blocks smoothly.

RANDY I've been working on getting the information in the Internet to
move faster. So I thought if we sanded and shaved the alphabet, they'd
be more aero- dynamic and move faster. I think I got it.

LYLE OK?...

CARRIE Randy, how are we coming on the computer problem?

RANDY What problem?

They all look at each other.

WOODY For the past month the computer freaks out halfway though a
demon- stration and starts destroying itself. I've emailed everyone in
development.

RANDY Woh, never got the email, heard about it at the fruit bar, but
Simpley told me there was a minor problem, but she'd taken care of it.
ANGLE ON:

WOODY with hand gestures fills in RANDY in the background.

CARRIE (to LYLE) Dammit, I felt this was going screwy fast.

LYLE I smell a rat here...a female rat

CARRIE gives him a look.

ANGLE ON:

RANDY OK guys, you too Carrie, I'll be there in the morning at your
final meeting at the hospital. We'll get this fixed right way.

CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. MORNING.

There assembled is the hospital board of a group CARRIE is trying to
sell. Also there is CARRIE, WOODY, and SIMPLEY. SIMPLEY is seated next
to the computer.


CARRIE We'd like to get started.

WOODY (to SIMPLEY) Excuse me, I need to sit there.

SIMPLEY gets up, grabbing a diskette with the poison warning sign on
it and slides it in her purse.

ANGLE ON:

The door to the conference room opens and RANDY and LYLE walk in,
sitting in the back.

SIMPLEY (mumbling)

What the hell....

ANGLE ON:

The meeting precedes until the letters on the computer screen start
disappearing.

RANDY (standing) Excuse me

ANGLE ON:

RANDY followed by the other P.M.S. walks to the computer, RANDY opens
up the side door and sees small wooden letters (A,B,C,D) and numbers
falling on the floor inside the computer.

RANDY Just as I thought


He grabs a waste bucket he bought (labeled "bit bucket") and funnel,
put the fallen letters in the bucket and pours them  back into the top
of computer though the funnel. They missing letters reappear on the
screen. He then disconnects a phone line attached to the computer.

RANDY(quietly to Woody) A virus, probably coming in through the
InterNet. You should be OK now. ANGLE ON:

The demo continues flawlessly, SIMPLEY is fuming.

CUT TO:

INT. A.S.S. CONTROL CENTER. EARLY MORNING.

The nerve center is buzzing with activity and military precision. MEN
and WOMEN with head sets on moving markers over a large map.

ANGLE ON:

A large chair overlooking the center turns, we see a pissed off GATES
with his riding crop on the phone. DAN QUAIL is polishing the picture
of Richard Nixon in background.

GATES I'll show those ass holes Proceed with Phase three.

ANGLE ON:

A RADIO OPERATOR keys his mike.

RADIO PERSON It's a go. CUT TO:

INT. CAR. CITY STREET. EARLY MORNING.

TWO A.S.S. AGENTS are in the car drinking coffee looking across the
intersection to the large P.M.S. billboard that's sitting next to a
hospital.

FIRST AGENT  (on radio) Roger, it's a go.

FIRST AGENT  (to SECOND AGENT ) It's a proud day to be an A.S.S.

SECOND AGENT Kinda reminds you of the hail Mary play General
Schwarzkopf ordered to close the lid on Iraq.

FIRST AGENT And when we rid the land of P.M.S., we'll be heroes.
They'll be yellow ribbons waiting on our computers when we get back.

ANGLE ON:

We see a DOCTOR with a green operating smock, hat, and face mask with
a metal lunch box and thermos's walking to the hospital underneath the
billboard.

ANGLE ON:

In car with TWO A.S.S. AGENTS are timing the doctor's walk. They press
a big red button on the remote control.

AGENTS 1 & 2 (yelling) No more P.M.S.

ANGLE ON:

An explosion occurs behind the billboard, the large computer on the
billboard sways and falls to the ground.

ANGLE ON:

The computer from the billboard is laying on top the DOCTOR now
sprawled on the ground. Smoke and debris are flying.

CUT TO:


EXT. NEWSSTAND. AFTERNOON.

A YOUNG KID is hawking newspapers on the street corner.

NEWSKID Extra, extra, read all about it.

ANGLE ON:

We look at headlines.

NEWSKID (in background) P.M.S. Computer Kills Doctor

CUT TO:

INT. TWIT'S BEDROOM. DAWN.

MONICA is laying in bed next to TWIT. She is wearing a high collared
night dress. TWIT turns over and gets frisky.

MONICA Twitie, I told you no sex till we're married, but we can
cuddle.

TWIT cuddles up to MONICA'S breast. She lovingly hits him.

MONICA Can I have something Twitie?

TWIT Anything you want sweet cheeks.

MONICA Can I fire Randy today?

TWIT Sure poopsie.

CUT TO:

INT. P.M.S. CONFERENCE ROOM. MORNING.


LYLE, WOODY, and CARRIE are all seated at the conference table in the
early morning along with TEN OTHER SALES PEOPLE. At the head of the
table stood TWIT, obviously disheveled and unnerved. SIMPLEY standing
at ease behind TWIT.


TWIT I've had to call this meeting in hopes of turning around what has
been a dreadful period of time for our company. As you know, we've
taken quite a beating on Wall Street and in the Press. Monica, ...I
mean Ms. Simpley has urged me to consider selling out to ASS.

WOODY, CARRIE, and LYLE all look at each other, surprised.

TWIT But, it's the bottom of the ...ah...first? (looks at SIMPLEY)

SIMPLEY (loud whisper) Ninth!

TWIT I mean ninth. And we need a...ah ...touch down to save our ship
from sinking. Our banks won't extend any more credit till they're seen
we've stabilized things.

There is nervous chatter in the room.


SIMPLEY (loud deep voice) ATEN-HUT!

Everyone stops talking, surprised, staring at SIMPLEY; she answers in
a high squeaky voice.

SIMPLEY Sorry sir.

TWIT So, you've got a week to sell some new business. And pray the
Presidents implant goes ok. If we pull it off, I'll give you all

a piece of the company. If not, I'll have to accept ASS's offer.

More nervous chatter.

TWIT OK, now remember, be careful out there. Let's get them
before...ah they get...themselves? Ah, Ms. Simpley.

TWIT leaves room, SIMPLEY smug and in control steps up.

SIMPLEY Well, you're heard the boss. It doesn't look good.  Meanwhile,
I don't play games. Lyle, you will to personnel for you final
paycheck. If anyone else prefers to leave for greener pastures, I'll
understand. If you stay, let this be an example, ...My way or you're
fired.

The room is silent.

SIMPLEY Dismissed. CUT TO:


EXT. PICNIC TABLE OUTSIDE PMS BUILDING. MIDDAY


TODD and DEBRA are having their lunch of finger sandwiches and salads
when TODD notices CARRIE and WOODY leaving the building.

TODD Oh Monica, Woody,... dears.

CARRIE and WOODY stop by picnic table.

CARRIE Yes Todd, hi Debra.

TODD Debra saw something weird I thought maybe you two should know.

TODD'S nods at DEBRA, pushing her to talk. Then everyone notices LYLE
in a hurry, hurrying toward the parking lot.

CARRIE (yelling) Lyle, were are you going?

LYLE slows down and nervously walks over.

LYLE Hey, nothing personnel, but I need a little time by myself...

CARRIE gives WOODY a puzzled look as LYLE hurries off.

DEBRA Well, it's probably nothing... but...well you know I use the
lady's room, even though I could use the mens room.

WOODY Yeah, but what

DEBRA Well, I was in a stall, reading my Ms. magazine when Ms. Simpley
walked in and, well...I've never heard a woman let farts go like that
in my life. I could smell beer and beans. And then a cigar, I smelled
a cigar!

TODD Deb, tell them what else.

DEBRA (embarrassed) Well, she touched herself, first slowly, letting
out moans, then more violently until total abandonment.

CARRIE What are you talking about.

DEBRA Well, I couldn't see her, but..

DEBRA looks longingly at TODD

DEBRA (cont) When she went over the abyss, she screamed in a voice
deeper then Woody's, "Richard I'm coming"

TODD Yeah, she dropped this picture before pulling up her drawers and
leaving.

TODD hands CARRIE and WOODY a crumbled picture of Richard Nixon. WOODY
and CARRIE look at it puzzled.

CARRIE You mind if we keep this?

DEBRA Nah, doesn't do anything for me or Todd. Now if you get one of
Arnold or Slyvester you owe me honey.

ANGLE ON:

DEBRA and TODD go back to their lunch, CARRIE and WOODY walk toward
his car.

WOODY What do you make out of this?

CARRIE Who would want to do us in?

WOODY I don't know, ASS? Why the Nixon thing?

CARRIE Maybe its bigger then we think..., Not just our new product,
but what if the target was the software in the President?

WOODY Wow!...Wasn't GATES and his crew involved in covert activities
in the Nixon years. And Lyle kept bring ing up that thing with the
Vice President?

CARRIE We got to find LYLE

CUT TO: INT. CHIP AND DIPS BAR. NOON.

LYLE (starting to slur) So...what made you leave Nick-o-lous.

NICK You've got to slow down, figure out what you want, if you need to
jump careers, do it.

LYLE But how do you know... I mean...what...

LYLE's portable phone rings.

LYLE Oh shit...

LYLE jumps up, grabs his phone and runs inside the sound effects phone
booth and slams the door.


ANGLE ON:

LYLE drops two quarters in sound effects machine. His finger reaches
to press "Traffic Sounds", but in his drunken state hits "Machine Gun
Fire." He presses the call button on his phone.

LYLE Lyle here

Just then the machine gun fire goes off.

WOODY Lyle, where the hell are you?

LYLE In traffic

WOODY What neighborhood you driving in ...Lebanon?

LYLE Ah...

WOODY You coming back to the office to clean out your things?

Machine gun fire continues to erupt, mortars now begin to fall.

LYLE (now yelling) No,...this traffic is really bad. But I'll see you
around ...OK...bye (burp)

LYLE returns to stool.

NICK (puts another LINY up) Ya got to pull it together cowboy... CUT
TO:

INT. WOODY'S CAR. AFTERNOON.


WOODY hangs up cellular phone.

WOODY (to CARRIE) Let's go, I've found em.

CARRIE and WOODY drive off.

CUT TO:

INT. CHIPS AND DIPS BAR. NIGHT.

LYLE is sitting at bar, still drinking and talking to the STREET
PERSON JOBA. JOBA'S shopping cart is pulled up next to him. Laying on
the bar is a flyer, advertising "DINKY the MIME, Performing Daily
After Congress Adjourns, Near the Lincoln Memorial."

LYLE (to JOBA) I'd appreciate all yous can give me's on this Friendly
character, Oks buddy?


WOODY and CARRIE walk in, and pull up stools next to him. CARRIE
pinches her nose. WOODY hand JOBA a diskette, motioning him to leave.
JOBA takes the diskette and scurries off.

CARRIE Nice to see you got out of that traffic.

WOODY No wounds? Car OK?

LYLE Oh, ah...hi guys

CARRIE Listen Lyle, I know you think it's all over again, but I we
think this thing is bigger then you think.

WOODY Yah, we think ASS is after the President!


LYLE Oh come on guys, that's a cheap shot. If you want me to help you
get that advancement, fine. But the President, you've both seen too
much CNN. Besides, you two still get a paycheck.

WOODY But Lyle....remember, you saw Quail...

CARRIE hits WOODY in the arm.

CARRIE (smiling at LYLE) You're right, that was cheap. But would you
help me.

CARRIE gives LYLE a long look that warms his loins. LYLE's playing
this for all it's worth.

LYLE I just don't know...

WOODY Hey buddy, what's two or three weeks. Besides, think of all the
money you'd save by not spending you're days here.

NICK Hey, lets watch it...

ANGLE ON:

CARRIE continues with the long inviting stare.


WOODY (whispers to LYLE) Look, Carrie's asking you to help her, and
yourself. Did you hear what I've said? If you want Carrie, here's your
golden opportunity... And in case that's not reason enough, Randy got
fired too, he's Carrie's uncle, her only family.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE stares for a long beat at the suddenly vulnerable CARRIE. LYLE
momentarily flashes to that picture of his dad in the ill fitting
postal uniform, a flash of the American flag, and a flash of CARRIE's
breasts. Then he comes back to reality.

LYLE We don't have much time. I'll be in touch.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL. AFTERNOON.

LYLE and TOM with dark sunglasses on are standing in the bushes next
to the Lincoln Memorial. They both have small "Agents First Walkie
Takie" (Fischer Price Type large colorful nobs) with earphones.
Suddenly QUAIL's Limo pulls up at the back side of the memorial, QUAIL
dressed as BINKY the MIME hops out, followed by SEVERAL SECRET SERVICE
AGENTS. (wearing the same walkie talkies). QUAIL walks to the fountain
in the park and starts performing a Mime act.

LYLE Look Tom, with all the Secret Service you'll have to get close,
they'll never suspect a dog.

TOM runs off to the fountain, sitting down, watches QUAIL's act, his
head twitching (like all terriers do when listening to a human).

ANGLE ON:

QUAIL puts a sign on the easel "Richard Nixon Remembering the Erased
Tape" QUAIL mimics "I don't know" while put hands up. TOM twitches
head. Several Republican looking tourists clap. QUAIL puts up a sign
on easel "OLIVER NORTH, WHAT DID I DO WITH THE IRANIAN MONEY." Again
he mimics "I don't know" while putting hands up. More clapping from
the FAT TOURIST FROM IOWA.

ANGLE ON:

SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1 What in the hell is he saying

SECRET SERVICE AGENT 2 Hey, no one ever knows, that's why the White
House loves him.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE in the poison ivy bushes, itching himself feverishly, sees GATES
approaching with an envelope heading for QUAIL. He grabs radio.

ANGLE ON:

TOM with a box of popcorn is watching QUAIL performing when his
earphone buzzes.

LYLE (Over TOMS earphones) GATES on the move, heading for our pidgin.

TOM (looking around) Pidgin?

LYLE BINKY you ass hole!

ANGLE ON:

GATES walks up to the FOUR TOURIST's watching QUAIL. QUAIL ends his
act, the tourists throw money in his cup, GATES throws the envelope in
and leaves. TOM sees his chance and grabs envelope with his teeth,
running.

QUAIL Hey you, you Pit Bull, with my envelope...

ANGLE ON:

SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1 standing on the other side of the fountain.

SS AGENT 1 (on radio) We got a code 4, get the dog I'll cover the VP

Three AGENTS take off in a mad chase of TOM through the bushes and
park.

ANGLE ON:

SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1 knelling, QUAILS head is in his lap. QUAIL is
weeping uncontrollably.

QUAIL That Pit Bull, I know he went for my neck....My god, I could
have been dead.

The TOURISTs from IOWA thinks its part of the act, and clap.

ANGLE ON:

TOM is sitting perfectly still at Lincoln's feet in the Lincoln
Memorial, as SECRET SERVICE AGENTS run in, look around and leave.

ANGLE ON:

TOM leaves Lincoln Memorial is spotted by Secret Service AGENT and the
chase is on. TOM runs up to LYLE hiding in bush, and spits envelope at
his feet.

LYLE (panicked) What...why the hell did you bring it here...

TOM ruh ruh ass whole ruh !

LYLE takes off running with the envelope, the Secret Service AGENTS
now chasing him.

ANGLE ON:

QUAIL is bent over picking up the pennies that missed his hat. TOM
walks up, and takes a leak on QUAIL's leg.

QUAIL (hopping) What in the hell you do that for?

TOM (walking away) ruh...calling me a Pit Bull.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS OF WASHINGTON. LATE AFTERNOON.

We follow LYLE running from SECRET SERVICE AGENTS in pursuit down city
streets. As he's hiding in a doorway of the "American GAY Movement" he
sees TOM at stop light driving his MG. He loses control and yells out.

LYLE Tom, you ass hole its me

TOM looks over, smiles, light changes and he patches out. LYLE sees a
poster announcing the Gay Follies at Chip & Dips tonight. A GAY MAN
walks up close behind LYLE.

GAY MAN Hey, I like a man that's forceful

LYLE takes off running, being chased by the SECRET SERVICE and the GAY
MAN.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK HALLWAY AT CHIP & DIPS. EVENING.

The back door flies open, LYLE comes running in. He runs down hallway,
ducks into first doorway. The back door bursts open as TWO SECRET
SERVICE AGENTS run in, GAY MAN following, looking for LYLE.

ANGLE ON:

FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS come in front door of Chips, fanning out to
look for LYLE.

NEW ANGLE:

LYLE is in dressing room with twenty men tightly packed in, putting on
their stockings, fake breasts, etc for the gay follies show, soon to
begin.

DEBRA Lyle homey, is that you?

LYLE looks at a beautiful woman in a revealing grown, and notices it's
DEBRA from PMS.

DEBRA Todd honey, looks it's Lyle

TODD is in an equally striking grown.

TODD (to Lyle) Lyle, you're sweating. Is that for me....

LYLE They're after me, you got to hide me.... DEBRA Calm yourself son,
(patting dress)..we got room for you somewhere.

ANGLE ON:


SECRET SERVICE AGENT is talking to CALVERNO at end of bar.

SS AGENT 1 We've searched everywhere except you're dressing room.

NICK I told you, as soon as the ladies are done, I'll let you guys in.

SS AGENT 1 Remember, this guy threatened the Vice President. And given
the respect the VP gets, this guys got to be a real fruit cake.

ANGLE ON:

SIGN by small Stage reads "Nicks 3rd Annual DC FOLLIES, Raising Money
for Homeless Computer-holics"

ANGLE ON:

The crowded bar goes crazy as the music starts, and Nick with
Microphone announces the beginning of show.

ANGLE ON:

The doorway of the dressing room opens, the "LADIES" walk out to the
stage while TWO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS look on, then burst into room
when the last "LADY" walks out.

NEW ANGLE:

Nick sings "Ain't She Pretty" as the "LADIES" walk onto stage,
shimmering, smiling, showing some shoulder as the crowd goes wild.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY, RANDY, and CARRIE are standing at bar, drinking LINEY's. On a
stool next to them with a LINEY enjoying the show is TOM.

CARRIE I wonder where the hell Lyle is?

WOODY Give him a bit, the traffic today was terrible

TOM (to himself) No shit.

ANGLE ON:

THREE LADIES walk to front of stage, we make out it's DEBRA, TODD,
and, yeah LYLE. They start singing "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar"

ANGLE ON:

TOM notices it's LYLE, puts paws over eyes.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF CHIPS & DIPS. NIGHT.

SS AGENT 1 (on Radio) We lost him, we're ten nine to Dunkin Donuts.

CUT TO:

INT. CHIP & DIPS BAR. NIGHT.

WOODY, CARRIE, and RANDY are talking at the crowded bar, the crowd is
clapping the finish of another act. LYLE in drag walks up to WOODY,
CARRIE, and RANDY.

LYLE (to WOODY) Hey Woody...

WOODY Hey buddy, lady, whatever, I'm not your type..

LYLE Woody, Carrie, it's me...LYLE


WOODY, CARRIE, and RANDY stare at LYLE, finally recognizing him
through the makeup and breasts.

CARRIE Holly shit, it is you. I don't go for this AC, DC stuff in a
guy.

LYLE No, it's not how it looks. I got chased by the Secret Service.
Todd and Debra hid me. But I got an envelope Gates was giving Quail in
the park.

LYLE hands the envelope to RANDY. RANDY opens it. The note reads
"Final Plans on E-Mail, Destroys itself at twenty hundred hours this
day."

ANGLE ON: Bar clock reads nine thirty.

RANDY Folks, we need a computer real fast.

LYLE follow me

CUT TO:

EXT. WASHINGTON CITY STREETS. NIGHT.

CARRIE, WOODY, and RANDY, DEBRA, and TODD are in a row following LYLE
walking fast while stumbling in his heels, he's yelling something at
TOM while they approach a DC Department Store.

CUT TO:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE. NIGHT.

WOODY, CARRIE, RANDY, DEBRA, TODD, and TOM and LYLE is standing in
electronics department.

CLERK I'll be right with you sir

LYLE No problem

LYLE walks over to computer on sale with a painted picture of a lady
and a dog on the screen. He's about to touch the keyboard when a
TWELVE YEAR OLD NERD KID stomps on his foot.

LYLE Ow.w.w....

KID Leave it alone, you ugly broad, my mother dear is buying this for
me...

LYLE is hopping on one foot, stops himself from backslapping the
little twit as the KID runs off.

KID Mother, mother dear...

He see the MIDDLE AGED CAREER MOTHER walking over with the kid.

MOTHER Oh, Winston, a computer? Daddy dear just bought you a Satellite
dish last week.

KID But you'll see the artist it brings out in me. You've always
worried I was too analytic.


LYLE looks on the computer screen and sees a crudely drawn picture of
a dog looking up at a stick lady. The caption has the dog saying "I
love you" to the woman.

LYLE quickly erase the kids words, and types new one under the
picture.

INSERT:

Computer Screen reads "I want to have sex with you like Daddy does,
doggy style"

LYLE walks to the sales counter as the MOTHER, KID, and hopeful
SALESCLERK get to the computer. The MOTHER reads the screen and goes
pale.

ANGLE ON:

The enraged MOTHER is slapping the shit out of the NERD

MOTHER Winston...how could you

KID But Momm....

MOTHER continues to slap kid, towing him away by his hair

MOTHER That's it, you're going to Military school ....

LYLE is laughing as KID is dragged off. KID looks back and give LYLE
the finger. LYLE waves bye, while RANDY sits down at keyboard, fires
up modem and dials PMS computer.

CLERK Yes sir, can I help you.

CARRIE My Uncles interested in a computer, but can you show me a
cellular phone.


DEBRA And do you have that Dr. Ruth's Good Game of Sex Software?

The CLERK walks off with CARRIE, DEBRA, and TODD, as the rest huddle
around the computer.

INSERT:

The computer screen changes to the "P.M.S. Corporate System." LYLE
picks "Personal Mail." It asks for security code.

LYLE Tom, what's the code on Personnel Mail?

TOM Bark, ruff, bark, bark.

LYLE (typing) Oh yeah.

CARRIE and WOODY look puzzled.

LYLE What?...it keeps him busy during the day hacking. It's been tough
on one income, figured maybe he could...ah forget it.

RANDY Here, mail. Nothing from Quail or Gates.

CARRIE Try that poor excuse for a woman, Monica.

RANDY types on keyboard several times.

RANDY Here we go, a memo from Monica to Binky.

INSERT: Computer Screen reads:

TO: BINKY

Monica broken, we have code for implant. Virus will be implanted in
President in two days. Stand by for further instructions. The throne
rightfully yours shall stand before you.

WOODY Wow, this is bigger then I wanted to believe.

CARRIE What's this Monica's broken?

WOODY Randy, look up Monica's personnel records. TWIT keeps everything
on this computer.

RANDY types away on keyboard.


RANDY Only thing new in the last month is an insurance claim.

CARRIE

Bring it up, quick, this place is closing...

INSERT: Clock reads nine fifty five P.M.

CARRIE Son of a bitch !

RANDY What?

CARRIE How can Monica have a vasectomy?

LYLE Maybe you gave it to her, maybe she stole one of your customers.

CARRIE gives LYLE an evil look.

LYLE OK, a joke...a bad joke.

CARRIE (calmed down) Monica's not Monica

LYLE (to CARRIE) When's the last time you saw her that she was... you
know herself?

CARRIE (thinking) At the bar. That night...after the trade       show.
She was going to the ladies room.

LYLE Well, I saw her come out of the Men's       room not long after I
had just been in there. The only person in the rest room with me was
Gates.

WOODY That son of a bitch, I never

trusted him, I mean her. You know what I mean.

LYLE I wonder if TWIT ever got, ... you know, for the job.

CARRIE Screwed! He's about to be, and its going to be a big one.

RANDY We know we're dealing with a virus, but how did he get it in, I
disconnected the Internet link the day before I was fired. ...


WOODY Into the systems? Remember Carrie, he, she, what ever it is,
always was fooling with diskettes around the computer.

CARRIE

You're right, ...every time before the meeting started she was always
sitting there.

WOODY The meeting with the Air Force Surgeons I saw her put a disk in
the system and I asked her about it. She said something about
forgetting to get a copy of the a software patch I never thought
anything of it.

There's mumbling going on as the clerk approaches to tell them the
store is closed.

RANDY So she's bringing in the virus in by diskette. When's the
surgery.

ANGLE ON:

The store lights dim, the computer shuts off, a TV is blaring on the
counter, with the evening news coming on. The opening film shows the
PRESIDENT of the US returning to the White House off his helicopter.

NEWSCASTER After a busy week, the President returns from Eastern
Europe. She'll rest for a day before she goes to Walter Reed where he
will have revolutionary software implanted. What times we live in.

Store security has shown up.

SECURITY OFFICER Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll have to leave, the store
is closed.

CUT TO:


EXT. STREET OUTSIDE DEPARTMENT STORE. NIGHT.

CARRIE, WOODY, RANDY, TOM, and LYLE are standing in front of the
department store. TODD and DEBRA are walking off arm in arm with the
CLERK from the Department store.

LYLE I've felt the worst for awhile. Tonight I'm meeting Joba the Hut,

CARRIE, WOODY, and RANDY give him a puzzled look.

LYLE (cont) He's been sane for a couple weeks I was afraid you'd think
I was crazy if I gave you any more Vice President sightings. You guys
need to work on an antidote for the virus. We'll meet tomorrow at
Chips at 5.


CUT TO:

EXT. DESERTED CITY PARKING LOT. NIGHT.


LYLE is sitting in the middle of this deserted parking lot, engine off
just waiting. Then he sees a set of headlights pull into the lot,
approach him and pull up next to him, it's JOBA pushing his shopping
cart, headlights blazing.

LYLE So what did you find.

JOBA pulls crumpled papers out of his dirty clothes and hands to LYLE.

LYLE Phew...

WOODY After GATES did me in, he brought in Dr. Uzor Friendly.

LYLE is looking at a picture of a huge monkey standing in front of the
jungle laboratory with numerous people walking around in white space
suits.

LYLE Why it looks like Umbimya, remember on the news years ago with
that virus outbreak that nearly killed everyone in the country.

JOBA Whoa, I remember that one, and that             monkey, I mean
doctor, he's the one             credited with the vaccine. Stumped
all the scientists around the world. No formal schooling, just a home
study course on chemical warfare...

LYLE You know, I've been thinking bout home study...

JOBA Shut up you idiot and listen... Maybe that was a prelude to
something           bigger...you know a beta test. Then Gates then
bought him here and gave him a new name, Uzor Friendly, now computer
scientist. Meanwhile they're blaming twelve year old sexualy fustrated
males with the rash of viruses on the Internet...

LYLE Wow...Meanwhile they've been perfecting the perfect virus

JOBA Remember when Eastern Europe fell, I tried warning people it had
nothing to do with "glasnost" They got to Gorbachev's American Express
account. When he couldn't buy any more grain, the wall fell. That's
when the government put me in the Asylum.

LYLE Then Carrie and Woody were right?

JOBA About what?

LYLE They're after the President

JOBA My god! the implant.

LYLE We need your help, the country needs your help.

JOBA I don't...I can't

LYLE No time, mankind as we know it hangs in the balance. I want you
to go to Randy's house, you got to work on an antidote...

LYLE gets another whiff of JOBA

LYLE (cont) Phew...you got any clean clothes

JOBA shrugs no. LYLE hops out of his MG and starts stripping his
clothes.

LYLE (cont) Here, no time...take these

JOBA takes LYLE'S clothes puts on hanger and hangs on shopping cart.
LYLE, butt naked hops back into MG. Starts engine, turns on
headlights. JOBA starts up shopping cart.

LYLE I'll be in touch

LYLE begins to drive off, JOBA turns his cart and follows LYLE out of
parking lot. Just then a police patrol car pull in lot, lights
flashes, approaching them.

LYLE (muttering) Shit

Patrol car pulls up next to LYLE, now stopped in his MG (top down)
Spot light shining in car on LYLE's naked body, leather Shift Cover
missing off the shifter, now covering his penis.

COP 1 Hey, buddy, we got a report on stolen shopping carts, seen
anything suspicious.

LYLE Nothing officer, nothing...

COP waves him off. LYLE pulls away, in the COPS headlights stands JOBA
with his shopping cart.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIP AND DIPS. AFTERNOON.

CARRIE and WOODY are walking past the alleyway on the way to the bar
when stopped by a street person.


MONICA (the real Monica) Hey buddies, got some software?


WOODY Phew...

CARRIE Monica, is that you?

MONICA Leave me alone sister, your software or your life?

MONICA pulls out switchblade. CARRIE drops into a judo move and
quickly disarms MONICA.

WOODY Lyle was right, What balls!

WOODY walks over and looks at MONICA's dazed face.

CARRIE Woody, give me a hand, lets get her in the bar.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY and CARRIE drag MONICA in the bar.

CUT TO:

INT. CHIP and DIPS BAR. LUNCH TIME.

They put her down on bar stool. LYLE has been sitting there.

LYLE My god, she looks like shit... NICK Phew...and smell...

MONICA talking incoherently muttering, grabs LYLE's LINEY and takes a
drink.

LYLE (grabbing his Liney) Oh shit, not my .... (thinks a minute,
smells the bottle and hands it back to MONICA) Oh well, here....

MONICA grabs the bottle, continuing to mutter as she swigs away.
LYLE's busy getting a new beer. CARRIE and NICK return with some
towels and begin mopping the grime off MONICA.


MONICA (slowing coming to) Wow, what a dream

CARRIE Monica..., where have you been, what's going on?

MONICA begins to remember the past weeks.

MONICA When I went to the woman's room, I was jumped. I remember being
in a room, then someone stuck a diskette in my mouth.

LYLE The virus

MONICA And the next thing I remember is seeing a dog with a baseball
cap drinking a beer. (points to TOM)

TOM is drinking a LINEY, looks puzzled.

TOM bark bark rufh

LYLE He says he's sorry


CARRIE yells to Randy, who runs over. She whispers to him, who then
helps MONICA out the door.

MONICA He's going to take her home and get her cleaned up, and some
new clothes...


They are interrupted with the loud beeping of a mobile phone ringing
at a group of FOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE sitting next to them at the bar.
NICK gives them a look. The phone is answered. One BUSINESSMAN talking
loudly.

WOODY Well, we got a lot of work in front of us. Where's Joba?

LYLE We got bad news....

CARRIE, WOODY, and LYLE are interrupted by another loud cellar phone
at this group. CARRIE (to other group) Do you mind?

LYLE  (cont) He got picked up last night for driving a hot shopping
cart. I had given him my suit to wear,... well they found Quails note
in it, now they're holding him on a million dollar bail.

WOODY That's it, we're done...we needed his knowledge of how their
programs worked.

LYLE Look, maybe Monica can help, she might know what ASS wanted, then
Randy might know where to look... We can meet at my house in two
hours.

CARRIE It's a long shot...

LYLE So's bowling ball repair, but you don't see me throw in the
towel.


WOODY and CARRIE look at each other puzzled. Another Mobile Phone
rings, now all four BUSINESS PEOPLE are loudly talking on phones, huge
whip antenna's clanging into each other, one antenna tips CARRIES
drink over her dress.

CARRIE God dammit, that does it.

Carrie picks up her cellular phone and pulls out antenna.

CARRIE ON GUARD!

CARRIE proceeds to have a "fencing duel" with the BUSINESS PEOPLE.
They are leaping over tables, standing on the piano and bar, dueling.
She beats three of the four, the last BUSINESS WOMAN knocks the phone
out of CARRIE's hand. The BUSINESS WOMAN has a gleam in her face, of
inflicting the final death on CARRIE.

ANGLE ON:

WOODY pulls his cellar phone of pocket and extends antenna.

WOODY (to CARRIE) CARRIE!

He throws her the "sword", she grabs it mid air, and fights BUSINESS
WOMAN to the ground. Holding her antenna to the frightened BUSINESS
WOMAN's throat. (faint western music)

CARRIE I want your kind outta my town by dusk. And remember, where
ever your type harasses the common man, I'll be there. Whenever you
use these tools of yuppie intimidation to defenseless men, women, and
children I'll be there...Now, get outta my sight.

The BUSINESS WOMAN crawls, then gets up and runs to door leaving. The
bar applauds CARRIE. She puts the antenna down, throws the phone back
to WOODY, and starts to leave.

CARRIE See you later partners.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S HOUSE. EVENING.

LYLE is running around the house cleaning it up. He finishes and hops
in shower.

CUT TO:

EXT. LYLE'S DRIVEWAY. EVENING.

CARRIE & WOODY pull up in her BMW 320i red convertible. Closely
following is RANDY's Volkswagen bus, belching smoke, on the side is
painted "PMS Data Bus." They all get out and walk to door. Standing
next to RANDY, the REAL MONICA, resplendent in new clothes.

CARRIE Monica, you feel OK?

MONICA Better, let's get that ass hole.

RANDY Hey, we're all here to save humanity, aren't we?


ANGLE ON:

CARRIE's hand rings doorbell.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S HOUSE. EVENING.

Door bell is ringing, sounds of LYLE singing in the shower in the
background. TOM runs to the computer.

COMPUTER SCREEN READS "FRONT DOOR BELL"

TOM (to computer) Bark, bark.

CUT TO: EXT. FRONT DOOR. EVENING.

SPEAKER Who's there?

CARRIE (recognizing voice) CARRIE, WOODY, JOBA, and RANDY, who's this?

SPEAKER TOM Selleck.

CARRIE (puzzled, looking at RANDY) Well Tom, Lyle is expecting us.

The door buzzes, CARRIE opens it and they step in the house.

CUT TO: INT. LYLE'S HOUSE. EVENING.

There standing in his Detroit Tigers cap is TOM.

CARRIE (looking around for Selleck) Hello ? Mr Selleck? ...Lyle?

TOM Bark.

CARRIE, WOODY, MONICA, and RANDY step further in the house. They can
hear the shower turn off but LYLE's still singing. RANDY and WOODY
walk over to the computer equipment and begins nosing around. LYLE
appears in his shorts, no shirt, drying his hair.


LYLE Oh Carrie, Selleck must have let you in.

CARRIE Well I thought so, but I never saw him.

RANDY stares at all the cabled up computer and phone equipment and
then points at TOM.

RANDY That's Tom Selleck.

CARRIE His last name is Selleck?


LYLE appears in doorway, pulling on his shirt.

LYLE Yup. That's Tom. He was using the Voice       Recognition system
Randy fixed for me.

RANDY Knew I recognized it.

CARRIE Well, shall we get to work?

CARRIE shrugs off what happened and they CROWD AROUND the computer and
begin working. We follow a MONTAGE of the evening showing the evening
progress with each of the group takes turns at the computer becoming
more tired and frustrated as the evening wears on.

ANGLE ON:

TOM now with a chefs hat (with the Detroit Tigers logo of course) is
pushing a cart with pizza's and LINY's for the workers.

ANGLE ON:

CARRIE and LYLE are eating pizza and drinking beer as RANDY, with
WOODY and MONICA at his side, is pumping on the keyboard. CARRIE has
let her hair down and is looking exceptionally beautiful, and in fact
is becoming pleasant.

MONICA That's it, I remember. They kept bringing up the file batch
update routine.

RANDY furiously types away. All of a sudden huge sirens go on and off.
A red-light goes on and off bathing the room. LYLE looks around
puzzled as to where the sirens and red light is.

RANDY OK, I got us into the PMS computer. The Virus Protector program
is giving           us a warning of a level 5 virus. That's deadly on
contact. Lets don the gear. CUT TO:

LYLE's computer area, where everyone is now wearing huge white
astronaut outfits with glassed helmets. You hear breathing sounds as
they are now on Oxygen tanks. TOM has the chef hat with a glass front,
and two LINEY bottles hanging on either side of the chefs hat, with
tubes running into his mask. RANDY Let's take a look at the programs
that blew up the day I showed up at Woody and Carries demonstration.

CARRIE So, what do we have?

RANDY It's what I was afraid of... LYLE What, what....

RANDY It's a mutant strain of Eastern African PC virus. I'd heard of
it, but never seen it before.

ANGLE ON:

The computer screen where RANDY punches some buttons and the virus
gets larger and larger till you see several mean pak man monkeys
flipping them the finger.

WOODY Is that bad...

RANDY Somehow GATES and his ASSES found a way to control these
creatures. That's what they used to topple Russia and Eastern Europe
with nary a shot fired...Only then, Nixons target was only East
Germany             (explaining) that he got turned down by one of
their Woman Wrestler.

MONICA But then they couldn't fully control it and the whole wall
fell.

CARRIE So it took them another ten years to figure it out.

RANDY (keying away) And we got less then twelve hours to figure      
a way to stop it here. .

LYLE Shit, we won't have time

ANGLE ON: CARRIE as she moves closer, not seeing Lyle's cheap plastic
Hula doll bouncing around holding a corkscrew. She backs into and it
punctures her virus proof suit. A large "hissing" sound is heard as
CARRIE jumps back.

CARRIE (screaming) My god, I'm contaminated

Everyone's attention is now focused on CARRIE. Her face is turning red
and wincing. She pulls off her helmet.

LYLE My god, what's happening, what do we do...?

CARRIE's face continues to contort, and it's turning into the face of
a pimple faced computer qeek with thick coke glasses.

MONICA She...it's hideous..

RANDY There's nothing we can do now. We don't know the antidote. I'm
afraid she's going to...

LYLE die...?

RANDY No...she'll turn into a pathetic 16 year old male nerd with
deviant self mutilating sexual tendencies...

EVERYONE Groan....

ANGLE ON:

CARRIES face is now that of a fully drooling 16 year old pimple faced
qeeck laying on the floor motionless. LYLE kneels along side CARRIE,
ripping off his helmet and holding CARRIE's head in his hands.

RANDY No...not you...Lyle...

LYLE (talking to CARRIE) My goddess, I've always loved you. You have
always reminded me of my beautiful cousin I wanted to marry, but she
treated me like shit, like you...(crying) now I've lost you....


ANGLE ON:

TOM SELLECK tears in his eyes, in standing over CARRIE, drops his
head, licking her face. The LINEY bottles start dripping beer on her
lips. Her face twists, and begins to turns back to the beautiful woman
she was.

MONICA My god, it's a miracle!

RANDY My god, that's the antidote, Tom, quick every bottle of Liney
you got!

ANGLE ON:

TOM pushes a cart of LINEYS into the Living room.

ANGLE ON:

CARRIE and LYLE being fed LINEYS, becoming coherent.


MONICA That's it? Liney beer is the cure?

RANDY It may only be temporary, or requires constant treatment. But we
need to find out how to prevent the problem before it can attack the
president.

ANGLE ON:

CARRIE and LYLE are now on their feet, coherent talking with sipping
Lineys.


RANDY Back to work kids it's going to be a long night. Woody, Monica,
do you know anything about the theory of anti coagulating of an
electronic device.

WOODY frowns. MONICA smiles.


RANDY Great, we'll have to work all night back at my garage. Carrie
and Lyle, you work on how to pull the cover       on Gates.

CARRIE No problem Unc, anything we can do to help.

RANDY, MONICA, and WOODY get up and move to the door.

RANDY You two worry about Gates and TWIT. Carrie, Woody will meet you
there before two with a vaccine for this virus. Lyle, Monica and I
will be in touch.

CUT TO:

INT. ASS HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT.

NIGHT COMMANDER We got a trace on the computer that tied into the PMS
computer. Send agents to a Bryson Residence at 3465 Delaware Street.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM. LATE NIGHT.

TOM is laying on couch flipping through the TV channels with a remote.
LYLE and CARRIE are sitting on the floor at the opposite end of the
living room.

LYLE You're Uncle's a pretty cool character.

CARRIE Raised me since I was four. My parents just left one day. For
Woodstock...never saw them again.

LYLE Sorry about that.


CARRIE It just hurts me to see Randy fired like that...well and you
too. Instead someone like TWIT who's         Daddy bought him the
business...

LYLE Hey, the stakes are bigger then both of us. My dad has been
missing in action for fifteen years fighting a similar plot.

CARRIE Vietnam?

LYLE No, Baltimore, tracking down a White House plot to short stamp
their mail. He gave his life, the least I can do is carry his sword.

Carrie moves next to LYLE, touching his pants zipper.

CARRIE Is this the sword?

CARRIE takes the offensive, surprising LYLE as she begins heavy
kissing. It doesn't take LYLE but seconds to recover. They roll on the
floor panting and ripping at each others clothes.

ANGLE ON:

TOM pushes up volume on TV as the moaning of their love making
increases.

TOM Bark, bark INSERT

COMPUTER SCREEN reads "Gee, can't a guy watching some TV get a little
peace and quiet."

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S BEDROOM. LATE NIGHT.


CARRIE wakes up and looks at clock, reading three A.M. She looks over
at "LYLE" under the covers. Aroused she leans over and to stroke
LYLE'S face, noticing it's pretty hairy.


CARRIE Lyle honey...Wow, talk about facial hair...

TOM Gar-r-r-

CARRIE (jumping back) Oh shit. Oh Tom it's you.

TOM gets up and walks down hallway. LYLE is asleep on the floor. TOM
sees flash lights outside circling the house.

TOM Grrr...ruff ruff

LYLE What, who, where?

TOM ruff, growl, ruff

LYLE hops up, putting his shoes on as he runs down the hallway to get
CARRIE. TOM is firing up computer.

ANGLE ON:

LYLE in bedroom.

LYLE (to Carrie) Quick, somebody's outside, might be the Secret
Service, we got to get out of here.

ANGLE ON:

The front doorbell rings. The Computer translates TOMS barks to the
voice Tom Selleck though the front door intercom.

FRONT DOOR SPEAKER Yeah, who's there.

AGENT (to others) Hey, this sounds like we got Tom Sellecks house.

All the AGENTS run up to front door. CARRIE and LYLE duck out a
window. TOM pushes button, front door opens, TOM shuts computer off.
AGENTS come in, several go quickly though house.


AGENT 1 No one here but a dog..

AGENT 2 Shit...

CUT TO: EXT. DC STREET. DAWN.

LYLE is standing next to MG, CARRIE in drivers seat.

LYLE Have Monica and Randy meet me in the department store at ten.
They'll be looking for us anywhere else. You and Woody be at the
computer in the surgery control center. We'll tie in over the internet
connection.

CARRIE You be careful

They give each other a long kiss, CARRIE drives off on deserted
street. LYLE sees a shopping cart in the alleyway next to store, hops
in and dozes off.

CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER CONTROL ROOM HOSPITAL. DAY.

Several technicians are walking around the control room with a huge
computer overlooking the operating room. Standing there nervous is
WOODY, CARRIE, and FAKE MONICA. The doors to the operating room open,
and the patient, "THE PRESIDENT" under white sheets, her face turned
sideways is wheeled in by FOUR NURSES, TWO DOCTORS, and TWO SECRET
SERVICE AGENTS.

DOCTOR (over Intercom) We are ready to begin..

WOODY is sitting at computer, CARRIE standing next to him.

CARRIE (whispering) Why haven't we heard from Randy yet...?

CUT TO:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE ELECTRONICS DEPT. MORNING

MONICA has the BRAT KID they met last pinned to the floor in a
wrestling hold. RANDY is busy keying on computer, LYLE standing next
to him. CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER CONTROL ROOM. MORNING.

WOODY Phew, Randy's tied into our computer

WOODY is reading screen.

WOODY(hushed to CARRIE)

RANDY's taken over control of the operation from his computer. Say's
keep an eye on Monica. If she tries to stick anything in the computer,
I'm to use this.

WOODY points to a bulge resembling a gun, under his suit.

INSERT CLOCK: TIME PASSING.

WOODY Oh shit...

CARRIE (turning) What...Oh my god.

FAKE MONICA, walks toward computer. SIMPLEY sits down at computer,
picks diskettes out of purse and about to stick it in computer.

WOODY (yelling) Monica...


His shout frightens a technician, causing her to dump her coffee in a
SECRET SERVICE MAN'S crotch. His arms flail backward, hitting CARRIE
in the butt. CARRIE slams into a table, the table moving against the
wall, pulling the plug out on the computer.

The computer screen goes blank.

SIMPLEY What the hell...

The technician puts the plug back in the outlet. WOODY is now next to
SIMPLEY. Her hand, about to put a diskette in the system is grabbed by
WOODY's large hand, who grabs the diskette out of SIMPLEY'S hand, and
gives it to CARRIE.

SIMPLEY What the hell...

CARRIE Sh-h-h, don't disturb the doctors

WOODY pulls a small square package out of his pocket, rips it open and
pulls out a strange sized condom. He hands its to CARRIE.

Puzzled, CARRIE looks at WOODY

WOODY (to CARRIE) You probably put them on better then I do.

WOODY (to SIMPLEY) You can't be too careful, there's all kind of
viruses flying 'round.

CARRIE slips the large CONDOM (with reservoir tip) puts it over
diskette. Hands it back to WOODY.

WOODY Now, that's better

WOODY sticks it in computer. SIMPLEY is fuming, not sure what to do.
CUT TO:


TODD looks at his watch and dials TWITS office.

INT. PMS RECEPTION AREA:

FELLOWS Mr.. Thurrow, Ms. Simpley called, says its an emergency you
better get over to Walter Reed.

ANGLE ON:

TWIT slams phone down and runs out of office.

CUT TO:

INT. LYLE'S HOUSE. MORNING.

Alarm goes off, TOM trots over to computer.

TOM Bark, ruff, ruff

Computer screen shows "dialing Walter Reed Hospital", using voice
2250." Sounds of phone dialing in back ground.

PHONE Walter Reed Security


TOM is barking, the computer translates his voice to that of the Vice
President.

TOM Hello, this is the Vice President

PHONE Mr.. Vice President! Yes Sir.

TOM Several of my people are coming up to see check on the President,
Mr.. Tuttle, Mr. Bryson, and Ms Simpley. It'd be prudent at this
juncture to let them up.

PHONE Yes sir, consider it done.

TOM bark, bark, ruff ruf

ANGLE ON COMPUTER: COMPUTER Ah, this calls for a Liney.

CUT TO:

INT. BOARD ROOM. LATE MORNING.

The "PRESIDENT" is wheeled out of the operating room.

The HEAD SURGEON looks up, give CARRIE and WOODY thumbs up and speaks
over intercom.

HEAD SURGEON Ms. Breeder, Mr. Prather. The surgery is a resounding
success.


ANGLE ON:

WOODY and CARRIE who are bouncing up and down with excitement.

ANGLE ON:

The door to the computer control room flies open, TWIT is standing
there, slightly disheveled. TWIT moves over sitting now next to FAKE
SIMPLEY.

TWIT (whispering) Got here as soon as I could.

SIMPLEY (sobbing) Its all over, it's lost...

TWIT Oh my god, daddy's going to disown me for good.

ANGLE ON:

The doctors are shaking the hands of CARRIE and WOODY and walk out the
room.

ANGLE ON:

LINDY's mascara is running as she continues to cry, cradling TWIT's
head against her bosom.

ANGLE ON:

The door opens up and LYLE walks in with the REAL MONICA, and RANDY.

TWIT What the hell?

WOODY walks up to the FAKE MONICA and with a pin, pops her breasts.

WOODY I always wanted to do that.

LYLE (pulls off SIMPLEY's wig) Here's your virus, G Freud Gates.

TWIT Oh my god

MONICA He's been sabotaging P.M.S. since the day she, I mean he had me
kidnapped.

SIMPLEY (now as LINDY) Under the Geneva convention, all I have to give
is my name, rank, and operating system.

TWIT Everyone stay here, Gates step into this next room with me. ANGLE
ON:

TWIT and GATES enter the next room, door slams and yelling goes on.
WOODY pulls cigars out of LINDY'S purse and hands them out to
everyone. Everyone high fives.

WOODY We did it...We're in the money, we're in the money...

LYLE (to CARRIE) Well you were right, sometimes doing the right thing
pays off.


CARRIE (smoking cigar) Thanks guys, I couldn't have done it without
you...

ANGLE ON:

Door opens, TWIT and GATES (minus his wig) walk out.

TWIT Woody, Randy, Carrie, Bronco, in light of today's developments, I
think some changes are in order. The reason my daddy bought me this
business was, he didn't want me in the family business. You see, I've
always had a thing for men with crew cuts, especially in pumps.
(stares down at Lindy's heels)


TWIT (cont) Today, thanks to your help, I've seen Gordy in a whole new
light.

GATES put his arms around TWIT

GATES (giving TWIT a peck) Love ya babe


TWIT We've agreed to join ourselves forever, as well as our companies.
As for Lindy's indiscretions, he's told me he never wanted to dominate
the world, only me. You know, business mergers cause all kinds of
overlap. So thanks

for your help, but we'll have to let you all go, effective
immediately. Have a nice life.

TWIT and GATES walk out arm in arm, GATES squeezing TWIT's buns.


CARRIE Well, son of a bitch.

WOODY Damn, I knew I shouldn't have bought that Mercedes just yet.

LYLE Well, can I interest you two in a career in re-drilling bowling
balls...Hey its an honest living.

CUT TO:

INT. CHIP AND DIPS. EARLY EVENING.

The whole crew, CARRIE, WOODY, LYLE, MONICA, and RANDY, are sitting
round the bar drinking beer. Nick is polishing glasses.

ANGLE ON:

The bar TV has the evening network news beginning.

NEWSCASTER And today, Vice President Quail filled in for a busy
President and had a software implanted in him. We take you to Carol
Duffy in Washington.

ANGLE ON:


Everybody in the bar stops drinking and stares at TV. They break in on
Vice President Quail (with a lobotomy bandage on his head) finishing a
speech.

VICE PRESIDENT ...and that details my plan for eliminating poverty and
drugs.

JOURNALIST How many months has this plan taken you to map out?

VICE PRESIDENT (thinking) ...It just came to me in the recovery room.

The room of journalists rises and gives QUAIL a standing ovation.

CAROL DUFFY You're seeing it live, a standing ovation by his strongest
critics. I've never seen the Vice President speak with such
clarity,...with a brain....Unbelievable.

NEWSCASTER Certainly a turning point none of us would have expected.
Next, the Government releases Joba the Hut in an alleged nationwide
shopping cart conspiracy case.

ANGLE ON:

The bar goes wild, everyone cheering, toasting and dancing.

NICK Hey, a round on me...to the group that saved democracy and apple
pie in our life time.

More cheering and drinking. LYLE and CARRIE are hugging.


ANGLE ON: WOODY Now, if we only had a job?

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH ON A CARIBBEAN ISLAND. AFTERNOON.

The camera takes in the huge expanse of a beautiful Caribbean beach
with white sand, crystal clear blue sky, waves from the ocean lapping
in. The beach is half filled with MEN and WOMEN getting their tans.
The camera moves toward the back of three chairs off by themselves
under a beach umbrella. We make out the backs of a MAN and WOMAN
tanning themselves in the chairs. The camera approaches and we hear a
WOMAN talking on a portable phone. The camera moves around (angled
down) to the right of the woman.

CUT TO:

EXT. ANGLE ON TOM LAYING ON NEWSPAPER NEXT TO WOMAN. DAY.

TOM with Tigers hat and sunglasses with a Liney and umbrella is
reading  a copy of ComputerWorld Magazine. Huge headlines read "GATES
GETS P.M.S., A.S.S. TRIPLES IN SIZE" above a picture of GATES dressed
as Monica SIMPLY minus the wig arm in arm with TWIT.


ANGLE ON:

CARRIE sitting in a beach chair on a cellular phone.

CARRIE So Unc, did we get the Government deal?

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE OF CORPORATE BLDG. MORNING


Camera moves in on a Corporate Headquarters building off the coast in
California. Huge lawns are manicured like a golf course. Camera pans
up to a company sign, DATA CONDOM-minium CORPORATION".

CUT TO:

INT. HUGE LAB. MORNING.

Standing in a huge lab with millions of dollars of electronic
equipment is RANDY with goggles on.

RANDY You know Carrie, I don't get in to the business side. Let me
punch up Woody.

RANDY struggles with punching up WOODY on a massive electronic phone
switch. After several seconds we see TODD FELLOWS in a white smock
(with lust in her eyes for RANDY) punching in the right set of
numbers.


TODD Randy, you're so strong

RANDY Get a hobby son, and that's an order. CUT TO:

INT. WOODY'S OFFICE. MORNING.

WOODY Woody here.

CARRIE Woody, it's Carrie. Any word on the Government deal.

Camera pans huge office. WOODY In the bag Carrie, we got the signed
contract this morning. Now the Army is looking to order two million
camouflaged data condoms. And they ordered our new security condom for
Internet and networks. (shows a condom over the end of a phone cord
plugged into the wall.) It's crazy around here,by the way when are you
coming back? CARRIE I'm not sure Woody. Lyle's got us booked       on
a Windjammer cruise at the end of the week. Say's he needs the escape
for his writing. Keeps his mind clear.

WOODY Keeps his mind clear? Shit Carrie tell me he doesn't have a
Liney in his hand right now.


Camera pans to LYLE laying in lounge chair, Liney (with umbrella) in
right hand, typing with left hand on lap top computer. The screen
reads COMPUTER VIRUS - A STORY BY LYLE BRYSON.

CUT TO:

INT. WOODY'S OFFICE MORNING. MORNING.

RANDY (huffing & puffing) WOODY, is       that still Carrie?

CARRIE Let me put Randy on.

WOODY (handing phone to WOODY) We got to get you a training course on
this phone system.

RANDY Carrie dear, remember those new style

dozen twelve inch camouflaged condoms I made for the Army? I need them
to show the Navy.


CARRIE (to LYLE) Dear, do you have those twelve inch condoms that
Randy sent you?

LYLE (holding up a handful) Remember last night. We got six left.

CARRIE (on phone) All were damaged Unc but six. I'll Overnight them,
you'll have them in the morning. Oh and tell Woody I'll be back in a
month or two. Seems I've caught a Virus.

FADE OUT.

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